Tag Archives: Vulnerability

Love Revelation: Learning Hurts

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A poetic reflection of where I’m at, right now. It feels good to hold space for myself through exploring my heart with words.

There is something so saddening,
so exhausting about growth
There is a longing in my soul
to recognize myself as whole
and today I’m just not feeling it

Today I’d rather crawl under
a rock in some deep hole
then feel my muscles
stretching to meet the sun

Am I the only one here
in this place? I feel so alone,
so disconnected from
who I am here to be
and any reasoning leaves me
feeling further lost

There is so much about
learning that hurts
Stripped naked & raw
of what I already knew,
carved out anew to make
room for deeper understanding
When all I want is a soft
landing surrounded by friends
And I’m left here in this space
between
filled with questions instead

As the cells of my life
divide & multiply
as my heart expands to
make room for more
I feel fragile. Ungrounded.
Exposed.

And while I know I chose this
path in order to grow
Today I’m struggling to
remember what it’s all for
when all I can see is one door
closing behind me.

Love Revelation: Burned Up in the Fire

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Melissa SImonson Red

I’ve come to learn that freedom doesn’t come
without first being burned up in the fire

I must first let go of my desire to never get hurt
Stop trying to conspire for the perfect ending
Stop defending myself
Stop pretending to be what I’m not

There is no easy exit
No temporary fix on the path to getting free
There is only integrity, honesty
The truth of me
All of the stuff I’m afraid to let you see

I get afraid to lose my grip on reality
Afraid to tip the scales
And feel the gravity of my choices
As the voice inside of me screams
For me to trust, to give it all up
And surrender to the stream
That is my life

No more striving for an illusion of control
As confusion rolls over my every move
There is only one thing to do, and nothing to prove:
Just speak the truth

Get burned up in the fire
so that all that’s left of me
Is not my story

but the woman I was born to be

Much Love,

Melissa

Photography by Frank Sommers

Love Revelation: Rebirthing Myself

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My 2nd full day in Brooklyn, NY and I’ve found myself feeling more vulnerable than I can recall ever having experienced in my adult life. Confronted with the unfamiliar around every corner and longing for a sense of comfort and ease as I take on that I will be living here 2 months from now, I found myself overcome with overwhelm, with a sense of being deeply alone, lost and uncertain. I found myself wanting to take back every promise, every commitment to be here and crawl back to the pillowly softness of the life that I know. As someone who LOVES to be in the KNOW and has to challenge herself to take on things that she’s not guaranteed to be good at one way or another…I’m about a thousand miles outside of my comfort zone, both literally and figuratively.

And as I sat there this afternoon writing in an unfamiliar cafe, trying to get my finger on the pulse of the whirlwind of emotions pouring through my veins, I realized that this must be a glimpse at what it felt like to be born. Thrust from the warmth of the womb I’ve known for the entirety of my existence into a harsh new world–to see light for the first time, and hear clear sounds and be smacked on the back as I wailed at the top of my lungs. And isn’t crying to be expected? Is it not part of the initiation of life itself? What else is there to do when experiencing the intensity of it all than to just let it all out?

And so that’s what I did. I sat, writing in that cafe and tears began to spill forth from my eyes. And at first, I was embarrassed and I worried about people noticing as I quickly raised my hands to clear them away, and then, it became clear that there was no stopping these tears. They needed release. I needed release. In the midst of the unfamiliar, of my own re-birth, I was baptized by my tears and I came back home to myself. As I purged my thoughts on the page, I felt held by the honesty of my words. I was seen and heard and I was safe.

And from there, I was able to open up in awe of my courage, and I felt a celebration welling up from my belly. This is freaking terrifying, and yet I’m choosing it because I know in my soul that life’s greatest rewards are born out of the choice to walk through the fire, to be confronted, and to surrender to the mystery of it all.

There will be more days like this ahead for me–where nothing feels right, where I have no idea how it’s all going to turn out and I just want to “go home.” AND I just made it through the first one. There is so much to honor and celebrate about that.

This is what loving me looked like today.

Love Revelation: My “I AM” Statement

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Another goody from exactly a year ago–I love that I spent today clarifying the gifts that I’m here to offer and 1 year ago, I was connecting with myself in the same way. I love seeing how much more comfortable that I am now in sharing my full expression & declaring my gifts. It’s been an AMAZING year, and I’ve created each day with such courage. And once again, the “I AM” statement that I wrote back in 2006 remains true today.

———————–

Melissa Simonson
Dec 30, 2012 near Monona, WI

Love Revelation: When I trained as a Life Coach in 2006, I was asked to create an “I Am” statement along with my classmates that represents my work in the world–the core essence of my being. It hangs on the wall of my office & yet, until now, I’ve been quite private about it. In a moment of great clarity & connection with myself, here is what I wrote: “I am an ever-present vessel of safety and compassion. I allow others the space to breathe in the truth of their being & blow out the fire of their voice from within. I am a stirrer of souls. A nurturer of beautiful transformation. A portal of divine wisdom.”

I feel in my heart with all of the recent changes in my life that this next year is asking me to fully embody this statement & to own it for myself & all those I’m meant to serve. I’ve found myself this evening hit by a wave of grief & anxiety over the unknowns that lie ahead for me. My heart is still heavy with processing the end of a relationship that meant a great deal to me & my head is full of questions about “how I’m going to pull off” this transition to full self-employment now that the safety net is gone. I found myself praying out loud as tears streamed down my face…& in a moment of pause, the “I Am” statement I wrote above came to mind. The thought that followed was, “Just be that.” Be who I am. Own it. Breathe.

And so I say now: Ok, God, let’s do this. I’m putting one foot in front of the other…not without my fear, but you get that and all of my other trust issues…& you love me, without condition. This year, I will do my best to love me without condition, too–to live boldly as all that I am & continue to become. Nervous, excited, & gratefully yours. Melissa

Love Revelation: Moving to Brooklyn

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I’ve lived with my mom for the past 8 years. It started out as something that I needed to do when I was coping with and caring for a boyfriend who had Stage 4 Lymphoma (and thankfully, survived). I was 24 and miserable at my job and knowing in my heart that I’m meant to express myself and serve in really unique ways. I had no idea yet what that would or even could look like. I needed a break from the grind of my life, and moving back home provided that.

This move home was meant to be temporary in my mind because I figured that eventually I would move in with my partner. And after a year of coping with Cancer treatments together, he went into remission and our relationship began to dissolve. We lovingly chose to let each other go.

It was right around that time that I discovered Life Coaching and trained as a coach. Suddenly, I was catapulting myself into a whole new life, oozing with passion for this career choice and taking on a business venture at 25. Suddenly, It became a blessing to be living with my mom because I could afford to pursue this passion.

Fast forward my life another 7 years and I had to get present to the fact that I had become a slave to the vague notion of “someday.” “SOMEDAY, my business will be at this certain (undefined) level, and I’ll be making this certain (undefined) amount of money, and then I can have my own place again.” It has been totally reasonable to tell people that I have lived with my mom in order to pursue my passions when the truth is, I have been completely unaware of the fact that I’ve been living my life as a victim of circumstances and terrified to claim what I REALLY want.

I am the savior I was secretly waiting for.

The truth is that I was really unconscious with my relationship with money until my late 20’s and then I had all of this debt to contend with. I managed to get clear on that and pay that off and build a savings and then I lost a job that was providing a financial safety net and was challenged to REALLY nose dive into this work that is my soul-calling–and use up my savings. There was always a reason NOT to get my own place. And I’m finally getting that life is going to keep “happening to me” and it’s time I take the true driver’s seat and just choose to create what I want.

In August, I committed to myself and then, to my loving mom, to be in my own place by January 1st. As I started looking at apartments and nearly signing a lease for a beautiful, brand new apartment within walking distance of where I’m living now, something inside of me started to feel trapped. It was just months earlier that I had started exploring the idea of moving to NYC and I knew in my heart that simply taking on rent in Madison was a small game for me to play when knowing in my bones I’m ready to follow a different path. And suddenly, I heard myself declaring that I would be moving to NYC in March of 2014.

I’m now being confronted with all of the doubt, fear and overwhelm that come with actively creating a life of my own design. And I’m growing and surrendering. Growing and surrendering. I’m feeling grief welling up within me as I try to wrap my brain around all that I must release in order to embrace this next chapter in my life, and I’m facing many demons telling me that what I want isn’t possible. I find myself on the verge of tears quite often these days.

And I’m doing it anyway.

Something tells me that I’ll look back on this time of my life years from now and smile with gratitude and also with awareness that this move is little compared to the big things I’m really called to do with this life I’ve been given.

For now, I’m just being present to all of the emotions within me and offering myself gentleness. Lots of deep breaths and audible sighs for me these days. As I prepare to visit Brooklyn in a few days to start paving the way, remembering to breathe has been crucial.

Right now, loving myself means letting myself be pulled by the larger vision of my life and taking the scary, challenging steps to actually live it. Like I said, lots of deep breaths, right now…

~Melissa