Pluto/Uranus Square: Feeling the Intensity

We find ourselves amidst some very intense energy, right now.

Tomorrow, the planets, Pluto and Uranus, will be exactly 90 degrees apart from one another for the 6th time in the past 3 years. And I can feel it build-up inside of me like a volcano that can no longer be contained in my being. I’d nearly forgotten about this alignment until unfoldings in my own life have made it unavoidable to ignore.

Pluto’s energy compels us to transform, to die to old ways of being that have dis-empowered us, so that our true selves can shine through. It brings up the underbelly of all that has been hidden just beneath the surface—the things that we fear to look at and to feel—and it compels us to face it all head on.

Uranus’ energy liberates us by throwing us the unexpected–breakdowns that challenge us to leap into our zone of genius, so that true breakthroughs can occur.

With these two planets squaring off, we have flooding and tornadoes touching down in Southern CA, issues of race that have long been over-looked forcibly rising to the surface, people demanding change. The energy is eruptive and transformation IS happening.

It’s moments like this where I almost call “uncle” as I feel my heart exploding with its own growth and the illusive fears of utter insecurity haunting my thoughts without remorse.

And as I fear losing that to which I am attached, I am reminded: Whatever is left in the end is what’s meant to be mine. All else is false.

There is this desire to cling for dear life as the house is rattling and the tornado threatens to carry it all away. My ego screams “hold on,” while my soul whispers, “let go.”

“Thy will be done.”

I do not know what is on the horizon personally and collectively. I do not know what will be left in tact and what is being birthed in place of all that is falling away. And when I listen to my soul’s whisper, I’m reminded that there is nothing wrong here; that in this moment where I can’t help but cry for the intensity of all that I feel, I am being loved by this, too. All there is to do is breathe and feel until the storm passes through.

©2014 Melissa Simonson

Poem: Our Love

beautifulhands

Riding the train at 2am
And I’m struck by the beauty of our hands

This is what love looks like
Our love
The beginning and end
Of black and white
The beginning of something
Felt deeply right
In our bones

This man’s soul
Looks like my soul
There’s a sort of
Coming home
Happening
A sort of
Discovering wholeness
Happening

And all I can think is:
Look at our beautiful hands?
This man. I’m so in love with
This man.

©2014 Melissa Simonson

In Love…and Allowing Myself to Express it

In light of yesterday’s post about allowing myself to soften into the vulnerable experience of joy, I’m choosing not to contain myself today: I am in love with an amazing man who very much loves me back.

Despite all of the ego fears that creep up telling me that it’s possible to “jinx” this wonderful experience by declaring it out loud, I’ve decided that I don’t give a shit. Regardless of what will ever come around the corner—today, right now, in this moment, I am blissfully content with this unfolding relationship, and I am giving myself the gift of expressing that joy with you.

And what do you know? The sky isn’t falling. The house is not burning to the ground.

I’m claiming my joy…and taking deep breaths as I bask in the sacredness of this tender, vulnerable space–allowing myself to receive the love that has been present here all along, waiting for me to open to it. Healing, releasing, breathing and healing some more.

Thank you, God, for this growing awareness and the precious gift of the love that is You in all of Your forms. I honor You today by choosing to receive You fully in all of Your brilliant glory. Thank You for blessing my life with all that unfolds, for the gift of this growth. May I remain an open conduit to receive Your love and offer it up through all that I am, that you are. AMEN.

:)Melissa

©2014 Melissa Simonson

Holy Shit. Feeling Joy Is Scary

MelissaJOy

So, for 5 years, the brand name of my business was JoyDiva. On twitter, I’m still TheJoyDiva.

And today, I’m recognizing that joy might be the most challenging emotion to allow myself to soften into. I’m kickass at creating joy out of tragedy, of seeing the beauty amidst the mud and muck of existence…and I’ve caught my mind red-handed this week doing everything it can to sabotage simple joy left and right.

In her breadth of work on vulnerability, Brené Brown mentions that “joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience,” and I now see that I am no exception to this experience. I can pour my heart out to you on this page. I can talk about my pain, I can start a new life from nothing, own a business, perform and speak before hundreds of people, etc…but if you give me an opportunity to experience joy…the joy of success, of falling in love and all that good stuff…my mind will search for a million ways to shut that shit down in an instant.

I get it. I dealt with a lot of angry outbursts coming at me when I was a kid and a lot of drama. I got attached to the experience of the other shoe dropping without warning. So I’ve made myself hyper-vigilant, to create an illusion of being in control. I create mental obstacle courses for my loved ones to prove that it’s safe to let go and simply feel the joy of their love. When you don’t give me what I want, I make you wrong in my mind and put walls between us as I come up with a gazillion stories about why you didn’t give me what I want and create you as the enemy. When you tell me you love me, I beam and moments later start to think about how that love might go away, how you don’t really mean it, how you’re going to change your mind–disappointing myself now, so that you can’t do it later. (Think you’re going to hurt me in some unknown future? Well don’t worry ’cause I’m gonna hurt myself first and real good so you don’t get to!) Yikes.

As it turns out, my mind is a master joy-killer, and in its addiction to keeping me safe and in control, it’s kept me from the experience of true connection and the innocent bliss that follows. It’s kept me in an anxious state of holding my breath the minute something joyous comes into my life.

And I’m so excited to see this! To see how scary it is for me to trust in innocent joy and goodness, to see how I’VE broken my own heart so many times by stopping my joy in it’s tracks with looking for what is or is going to go wrong. I love that I am catching myself in the act of joy-killing–noticing the thoughts and breathing as I let them go and bring myself back to what’s actually happening in the moment.

Because the truth is, I really can just be in love, and I really can just feel joy. You really can just love me and keep on loving me. And tonight, I am loving the little girl in me who is terrified to let go of control, and I am embracing her with compassionate understanding. This is an old story, and I don’t need it to protect myself any longer. Moment by moment, step by step, I now have the opportunity to soften, further and further and further into…love.

Holy shit. Deep breath.

:)Melissa

©2014 Melissa Simonson

I Am Learning What Real Love Is

There is a life-altering gift emerging from my family’s recent challenges, and it is a gift I am receiving with an open heart and deep gratitude.

I am learning what REAL love is—what it looks like, how it acts, how it moves.

You see, I used to cringe at the concept of “sacrificial love”—particularly that of the various Christian traditions that I was exposed to through the years. I interpreted this sacrifice as sacrificing one’s own happiness for the sake of another’s…which would add up to nobody actually being happy in the end. This kind of love sounded dis-empowering to me and at the heart of a whole lot of people not taking care of themselves, not pursuing what matters to them all for the sake of another. It sounded like entrapment, imprisonment. It sounded like a perfect recipe to lose one’s self.

And as it turns out, sacrificial love IS the perfect recipe to lose one’s self, and not any of the parts worth keeping. It turns out that through all of my resistance, sacrificial love is what I’ve been praying for all along.

I now see that this kind of love has nothing to do with giving up happiness, and everything to do with risking my SELF—all of the beliefs & stories I cling to, the past, the desire to be right and hold resentments, the drive to seek safety, control, and approval—true love asks me to give all of that up and surrender to a will far greater than my own. Not my will, God’s will. “Thy will be done.”

Sacrificial love means that I’m choosing to make myself so vulnerable, so open, so present to who you REALLY are to what REALLY is, that all I want is what is best for you…which as it turns out, is also what is best for me. It means seeing you beyond my stories of you, my perceptions of you, the past that my ego wants to project onto you. It means true forgiveness and healing.

So yes, sacrificial love requires letting go, and letting go, and letting go…but not of that which brings me joy. It simply asks me to let go of all of the illusions, all of the barriers that I’ve built that limit my capacity to actually experience joy and blind me from the truth: That love is the most natural, effortless expression of my soul. That loving you, SEEING you and showing up for you beyond fear and story is what I was born to do. It’s what we were all born to do.

Thanks to having the dad that I have and the mom that I have, I got to receive the precious gift of this growing awareness over this past week. I love them beyond words.

And oh yeah, when tragedy seems to strike in your life or to those dear to you—let my shared awareness be a gift and reminder to you that there is nothing wrong, ever. At any moment you can surrender and recognize that even those challenging experiences are loving you and giving you exactly what you need.

Peace, Y’all.

Melissa

©2014 Melissa Simonson