Tag Archives: Surrender

Holy Shit. Feeling Joy Is Scary

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MelissaJOy

So, for 5 years, the brand name of my business was JoyDiva. On twitter, I’m still TheJoyDiva.

And today, I’m recognizing that joy might be the most challenging emotion to allow myself to soften into. I’m kickass at creating joy out of tragedy, of seeing the beauty amidst the mud and muck of existence…and I’ve caught my mind red-handed this week doing everything it can to sabotage simple joy left and right.

In her breadth of work on vulnerability, Brené Brown mentions that “joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience,” and I now see that I am no exception to this experience. I can pour my heart out to you on this page. I can talk about my pain, I can start a new life from nothing, own a business, perform and speak before hundreds of people, etc…but if you give me an opportunity to experience joy…the joy of success, of falling in love and all that good stuff…my mind will search for a million ways to shut that shit down in an instant.

I get it. I dealt with a lot of angry outbursts coming at me when I was a kid and a lot of drama. I got attached to the experience of the other shoe dropping without warning. So I’ve made myself hyper-vigilant, to create an illusion of being in control. I create mental obstacle courses for my loved ones to prove that it’s safe to let go and simply feel the joy of their love. When you don’t give me what I want, I make you wrong in my mind and put walls between us as I come up with a gazillion stories about why you didn’t give me what I want and create you as the enemy. When you tell me you love me, I beam and moments later start to think about how that love might go away, how you don’t really mean it, how you’re going to change your mind–disappointing myself now, so that you can’t do it later. (Think you’re going to hurt me in some unknown future? Well don’t worry ’cause I’m gonna hurt myself first and real good so you don’t get to!) Yikes.

As it turns out, my mind is a master joy-killer, and in its addiction to keeping me safe and in control, it’s kept me from the experience of true connection and the innocent bliss that follows. It’s kept me in an anxious state of holding my breath the minute something joyous comes into my life.

And I’m so excited to see this! To see how scary it is for me to trust in innocent joy and goodness, to see how I’VE broken my own heart so many times by stopping my joy in it’s tracks with looking for what is or is going to go wrong. I love that I am catching myself in the act of joy-killing–noticing the thoughts and breathing as I let them go and bring myself back to what’s actually happening in the moment.

Because the truth is, I really can just be in love, and I really can just feel joy. You really can just love me and keep on loving me. And tonight, I am loving the little girl in me who is terrified to let go of control, and I am embracing her with compassionate understanding. This is an old story, and I don’t need it to protect myself any longer. Moment by moment, step by step, I now have the opportunity to soften, further and further and further into…love.

Holy shit. Deep breath.

:)Melissa

©2014 Melissa Simonson

I Am Learning What Real Love Is

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There is a life-altering gift emerging from my family’s recent challenges, and it is a gift I am receiving with an open heart and deep gratitude.

I am learning what REAL love is—what it looks like, how it acts, how it moves.

You see, I used to cringe at the concept of “sacrificial love”—particularly that of the various Christian traditions that I was exposed to through the years. I interpreted this sacrifice as sacrificing one’s own happiness for the sake of another’s…which would add up to nobody actually being happy in the end. This kind of love sounded dis-empowering to me and at the heart of a whole lot of people not taking care of themselves, not pursuing what matters to them all for the sake of another. It sounded like entrapment, imprisonment. It sounded like a perfect recipe to lose one’s self.

And as it turns out, sacrificial love IS the perfect recipe to lose one’s self, and not any of the parts worth keeping. It turns out that through all of my resistance, sacrificial love is what I’ve been praying for all along.

I now see that this kind of love has nothing to do with giving up happiness, and everything to do with risking my SELF—all of the beliefs & stories I cling to, the past, the desire to be right and hold resentments, the drive to seek safety, control, and approval—true love asks me to give all of that up and surrender to a will far greater than my own. Not my will, God’s will. “Thy will be done.”

Sacrificial love means that I’m choosing to make myself so vulnerable, so open, so present to who you REALLY are to what REALLY is, that all I want is what is best for you…which as it turns out, is also what is best for me. It means seeing you beyond my stories of you, my perceptions of you, the past that my ego wants to project onto you. It means true forgiveness and healing.

So yes, sacrificial love requires letting go, and letting go, and letting go…but not of that which brings me joy. It simply asks me to let go of all of the illusions, all of the barriers that I’ve built that limit my capacity to actually experience joy and blind me from the truth: That love is the most natural, effortless expression of my soul. That loving you, SEEING you and showing up for you beyond fear and story is what I was born to do. It’s what we were all born to do.

Thanks to having the dad that I have and the mom that I have, I got to receive the precious gift of this growing awareness over this past week. I love them beyond words.

And oh yeah, when tragedy seems to strike in your life or to those dear to you—let my shared awareness be a gift and reminder to you that there is nothing wrong, ever. At any moment you can surrender and recognize that even those challenging experiences are loving you and giving you exactly what you need.

Peace, Y’all.

Melissa

©2014 Melissa Simonson

Let Life Crack Me Open

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Melissa

Let life crack me open
So that the truth leaks out
Like liquid light…transforming
The darkness

Let me be filled up to the brim
With more than I can handle
So that I may discover that I am
Limitless

That love is limitless

There are no hurts too big
No joys too messy
To mess with the heart of me
The bones of me
My soul

Use me
Challenge me
Stretch me
Grow me

So that I might fully
Know the gift
Of my life.

Facing Fears, Burning Through Illusion

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As I let go, and let go, and let go, I find myself coming upon all kinds of opportunities to expand beyond former edges and burn through limitations.

What actions do you avoid taking in your life because you’re terrified of how it would make you feel?

For me, right now, it’s any action that could potentially cause me to lose external approval or be ridiculed that makes my throat tighten and a fire rise in my chest. And so I’m taking actions, step-by-step to kill that made-up ego story. Creating this video was one small way of peeling back a limiting layer. x

Dear Beloved

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Dear Beloved,

I know that you long to be heard and seen, to be embraced and loved for all of you.

I see how alone that you feel, how uncertain, and I want you to know that I am here, always present.

Fall, and I will catch you.
Cry, and I will hold you.
Laugh, and I will laugh with you.

You are safe. You are always supported. You are always loved.

And you can’t get this life-thing, wrong. There’s nothing actually to get right. So, will you let go with me? Will you lean-in to all that fills your lungs with air? Will you lean in to that which sets you free?

I’m here and I always will be, seeing you, hearing you, loving you.

Take a deep breath. “‘Cause every little thing gonna be alright.”

Melissa