Tag Archives: Surrender

A gift from recent sessions with clients:

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I invite you to imagine all of life and the universe as one large body that is constantly ebbing and flowing in a process of maintaining homeostasis, just as our own body is in a constant of ebbing and flowing in an overall state of balance with itself. There is no “good” or “bad” functioning of the body, there is just…function.With every loss and gain of my ego’s desires, I find that I can get so mired in the details of my experience that I see duality everywhere: Fall in love–Yay! Relationship ends or transforms–heart-wrenching grief. Money in–yay! Money out–stress. Feeling strong and healthy–yay! Develop illness–heartbreak, once again.

When I step back from a higher vision and understand all of life operating as one body, suddenly I see that my pain or my pleasure, my having and letting go are all part of a larger process of ebb and flow. Life is living itself. Constant. Ever-changing and yet, always the same.

There is an emptiness in that awareness–my ego loves to attach uncomfortable emotion and create an experience of that emptiness–and yet there is great freedom in embracing how arbitrary and also necessary are the happenings of my life.

My life is in a constant state of balance with itself, and when I surrender to that, I find my center, I find peace.

So, I invite you to join me in the dance, Dearheart. There is an adventure to discover in this surrender.

I exist. With each day, I’m waking up further to the precious gift of that basic truth.

 :)Melissa

You have to lose all…

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A gift texted to me this morning: “Listen to your heart, move according to your heart, whatsoever the stake: A condition of complete simplicity costing not less then everything… To be simple is arduous, because to be simple costs everything that you have. You have to lose all to be simple. That’s why people have chosen to be complex and they have forgotten how to be simple. But only a simple heart throbs with God, hand in hand. Only a simple heart sings with God in deep harmony. To reach to that point you will have to find your heart, your own throb, your own beat.” – Osho

With every loss, I find my heart.

:)Melissa

Grieving

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Every painful loss I have ever endured has only been the loss of an illusion.

And it fucking hurts in every cell of my body as I grieve and resist. I get angry at God, like my wants were a perfect plan ripped away, like I’m being punished for something, like a spoiled child screaming, “You never let me have ANYTHING!!!!”

And then, somehow, I surrender. I pick up the pieces and move on. Life goes on without my illusion.

Today, I’m not there yet. I was really attached to this illusion.

No victims, no villains…and no heroes either.

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No victims, no villains…and no heroes either.

Whole people living and breathing as whole people–this is the vision I hold in my heart.

Among the most challenging roles for me to give up has been that of hero, saving the world. I now see that where there are heroes, there must also be villains and victims…and those are all just roles we choose to play and project in response to our circumstances that do not empower anyone.

What’s left when we shed these stories of what’s happening “to us” or “by us?” Simply life, as it is, unfolding. A blank slate for us to add whatever meaning we choose.

So I’m not a hero or a victim or a villain.

I’m choosing to be a lover because for me, when I let go of those roles, I’m simply left with a desire to love with my whole being and let my actions arise, naturally from that place.

Nothing to save and a whole lot to love.

:)Melissa

Love is a continual practice of letting go…and letting go…and letting go

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As I receive unconditional love and acceptance from my partner on a whole, new level for me, I am being confronted with inner demons that I didn’t fully know were there.

Because relationship is simply a mirror for our own relationship with ourselves, I find that as I experience love flowing in, that love is being matched by an equally powerful self-doubt and in all honesty, a self-loathing that is both painful and surprising. The mirror is being held up and I’m seeing all of the qualities that I didn’t even realize I find unlovable within myself, all of the ways that I reject myself. My ego is squirming this week and looking for cover…big-time. The mask is falling away and I’m coming face-to-face with my imperfection.

There’s a very young voice that comes forth inside of me wondering, “Have I gone too far this time? Have you seen too much? Is this the point when I make the love go away?” It is raw, vulnerable, down-right terrified.

I’ve found myself experiencing deep shame at various points this week, judging myself, feeling tremendously insecure, wondering when the stronger, empowered…get this…more lovable me…will return. You know, the me who “has it all together.” This week I’m being challenged to surrender a deeply ingrained belief about myself, about love–that I have to control your experience of me, that I have to act and operate in a certain way in order to be worthy of your love.

And as I’ve been the snotty, needy, victim-minded, emotional mess…ummm…not the me I wanted my partner to see, I’m having to face this fear head on: What will happen when I’m not playing the part? When I let the wounded little girl come out of the closet? What will happen when I’m not in control?

And well, I’m finding out even as I write.

I see now that the deeper the love, the deeper the surrender that’s required. Love is a continual practice of letting go, and letting go, and letting go.

And the most challenging and beautiful part of this whole process: It’s not my partner’s job to love me. It’s MY job. It’s MY job to heal this old wound and to hold myself gently. Right now, loving myself as I’m facing my “ugly” parts is in writing this post, it’s in creating spaciousness for myself, focusing on what matters to me, and it’s in allowing myself to be seen and believe in the love I’m receiving from my partner. Slowly, and steadily unfurling my petals despite how “unsafe” that feels. And breathing. And breathing.

Real love is no fairytale. It doesn’t just show up and good feelings abound happily ever after. It challenges us, stretches us, grows us…heals us. It’s so much more dimensional than a fairytale. It’s not perfect. It’s real life. It’s an opportunity to see who we REALLY are, and love what we find there…even when we don’t. 😉

All my love,

:)Melissa