Every painful loss I have ever endured has only been the loss of an illusion.
And it fucking hurts in every cell of my body as I grieve and resist. I get angry at God, like my wants were a perfect plan ripped away, like I’m being punished for something, like a spoiled child screaming, “You never let me have ANYTHING!!!!”
And then, somehow, I surrender. I pick up the pieces and move on. Life goes on without my illusion.
Today, I’m not there yet. I was really attached to this illusion.
No victims, no villains…and no heroes either.
Whole people living and breathing as whole people–this is the vision I hold in my heart.
Among the most challenging roles for me to give up has been that of hero, saving the world. I now see that where there are heroes, there must also be villains and victims…and those are all just roles we choose to play and project in response to our circumstances that do not empower anyone.
What’s left when we shed these stories of what’s happening “to us” or “by us?” Simply life, as it is, unfolding. A blank slate for us to add whatever meaning we choose.
So I’m not a hero or a victim or a villain.
I’m choosing to be a lover because for me, when I let go of those roles, I’m simply left with a desire to love with my whole being and let my actions arise, naturally from that place.
Nothing to save and a whole lot to love.
:)Melissa
As I receive unconditional love and acceptance from my partner on a whole, new level for me, I am being confronted with inner demons that I didn’t fully know were there.
Because relationship is simply a mirror for our own relationship with ourselves, I find that as I experience love flowing in, that love is being matched by an equally powerful self-doubt and in all honesty, a self-loathing that is both painful and surprising. The mirror is being held up and I’m seeing all of the qualities that I didn’t even realize I find unlovable within myself, all of the ways that I reject myself. My ego is squirming this week and looking for cover…big-time. The mask is falling away and I’m coming face-to-face with my imperfection.
There’s a very young voice that comes forth inside of me wondering, “Have I gone too far this time? Have you seen too much? Is this the point when I make the love go away?” It is raw, vulnerable, down-right terrified.
I’ve found myself experiencing deep shame at various points this week, judging myself, feeling tremendously insecure, wondering when the stronger, empowered…get this…more lovable me…will return. You know, the me who “has it all together.” This week I’m being challenged to surrender a deeply ingrained belief about myself, about love–that I have to control your experience of me, that I have to act and operate in a certain way in order to be worthy of your love.
And as I’ve been the snotty, needy, victim-minded, emotional mess…ummm…not the me I wanted my partner to see, I’m having to face this fear head on: What will happen when I’m not playing the part? When I let the wounded little girl come out of the closet? What will happen when I’m not in control?
And well, I’m finding out even as I write.
I see now that the deeper the love, the deeper the surrender that’s required. Love is a continual practice of letting go, and letting go, and letting go.
And the most challenging and beautiful part of this whole process: It’s not my partner’s job to love me. It’s MY job. It’s MY job to heal this old wound and to hold myself gently. Right now, loving myself as I’m facing my “ugly” parts is in writing this post, it’s in creating spaciousness for myself, focusing on what matters to me, and it’s in allowing myself to be seen and believe in the love I’m receiving from my partner. Slowly, and steadily unfurling my petals despite how “unsafe” that feels. And breathing. And breathing.
Real love is no fairytale. It doesn’t just show up and good feelings abound happily ever after. It challenges us, stretches us, grows us…heals us. It’s so much more dimensional than a fairytale. It’s not perfect. It’s real life. It’s an opportunity to see who we REALLY are, and love what we find there…even when we don’t. 😉
All my love,
:)Melissa
As I reflect back on this past year, it has been a year of great courage for me.
I moved to NYC with little money in my bank account and fortunate to receive the support of great friends. I took on a life far from the cozy one I’d grown accustomed to and with each day, leapt into a new unknown.
I discovered burn-out in my work and had the courage to release patterns and dreams that no longer served me. It was scary and dark…deeply uncomfortable. I’m still letting go as I surrender notions of what it means to be a “success,” to have a purpose, what is meant for my life, what wants to be birthed through me.
It takes great courage to live inside the space of “I don’t know.” I’ve felt small and purposeless at times, a voice in my head constantly chiding “What if I never amount to anything?”–and that might be the most precious gift of this challenging year–there is something much more profound unfolding then my Personal Will can ever create or comprehend…and I don’t have to “amount” to anything to be a gift and receive the gift of my existence. A lesson I continue to learn.
And in the midst of all of that letting go and clearing out, a great love was being born and continues to birth itself with new adventures on the horizon–partnership was perhaps the least expected gift this year, and a most welcome surprise.
And now I face 2015 with continued courage, brand-new dreams, and a continued deepening of my surrender. “Thy will be done.” This will continue to be my prayer as I embark on yet another year of this precious life.
My heart breaks when I witness people jumping through hoops to “get” the love of another. I’m in some forums here on Facebook where I witness women trying so hard to learn the right strategy in relationships and it’s so clear to me that the only thing to “do” is to let all of those games go. And it hurts me because each of those people is holding up a mirror for the games I, myself, got tangled up in for years–my own unconscious version of self-torture. With each day that passes, I’m letting go of all of the strategy and getting that when it comes to relationship, there are no rules. There’s just love.
For years, I thought “If I can just stop doing this, or learn that, or love myself enough, or be feminine enough, or be more patient, blah blah blah” THEN I’ll get to experience someone REALLY loving me.
As it turns out, there’s nothing to get right. You don’t have to perform a circus act. You don’t have to worry about whether or not you’re “leaning back” or “leaning forward.” There’s no “too masculine” or “too feminine,” no “too much or too little.”
When it’s love, you just work it out…together.
As it turns out, through the eyes of Love, each one of us truly is enough with every edge and angle of imperfection.
The little girl me who was so convinced that she had to get it right and would inevitably mess up and make the love go away is healing, bit by bit, with every opportunity to feel and share and release. This week, I’ve had freak outs and made up stories, I’ve had moments of elation followed by deep fears taking over, and I’ve thrown some not-so-grown-up tantrums in reaction to all of the made-up stories. Not my proudest moments, dear hearts…AND I learn more and more each day that Love doesn’t leave when it knows the truth.
We, my loves, are here for connection. And the only way to connect is to get really messy, to get really vulnerable, to risk making “all of the mistakes.” And I will tell you that there is nothing more healing than letting it all hang out and discovering through the mirror of another just how lovable that you really are.
I am so damn lovable, it’s amazing.
When love is present, it trumps any rules, any moves that you do or do not make. After years of trying to figure out who and how to be to experience real love in my life, I’m now seeing that it was really more about my soul path and surrendering to divine timing. Because most of what I “learned” I’m now throwing out the window–it turns out all of those rules of how to be just get in the way of receiving what is real.
So, I dare you to throw away the strategy and stop trying to learn the “right way” to “get the relationship of your dreams.” It’s just bullshit, dear hearts.
So, will you join me in ending the games? In stopping the strategy sessions? In forgiving yourself for all that you are and are not?
Be you. Trust in God. All is unfolding exactly as it is supposed to.
All my love,
:)Melissa