I find myself, right now, in a space between. There are new visions and dreams emerging and yet, there are emotional doors not yet fully closed, a recent chapter whose pages still call for review. There are longings to emerge, shining from the cave, visions of what lies beyond this current chrysalis, and yet, so much is not yet fully formed, much has yet to reveal itself.
I have gratitude for new awareness born to me over this past month…almost like a remembering of what matters to me, like cold water splashed in my face to WAKE ME UP from a dream. So now, I see what’s been missing in my life: Community. Spaces and activities that unleash my inner artist. A clear, tangible financial plan. There is a deep desire to embrace and be embraced as all of me, to be surrounded by artists who are doing their thing, to have groundedness, a clear sense of purpose, to walk in this city likes it’s a playground for my inner magical child.
What I find uncomfortable about this new awareness is being with “the gap” between my current experience and what I long to create: Loving what is while holding space for what is possible; trusting that the vision will inspire new actions to take at the perfect, right time; having patience with the current state of loneliness. There are moments when it hits me now, square between the eyes how lonely and bored I’ve become. Uggghhh. I literally groaned like that when I arose from bed this morning. And it’s ok. And it’s not. Breathing into this duality, right now, and the fact that it has me squirming to break free.
What I’m tuning into now are the paths that appear effortlessly, and trusting that my longing in itself is a prayer, an invisible thread pulling me toward that which I desire. It’s not that I don’t take action, I just take the action that inspires me, when it inspires me. Right now, there is a lot of breathing and listening: Now? (Nope.) Now? (Not yet, Honey.) How about now? (Breathe, Sweetheart, you’ll know what to do when it’s time.)
There is rich community coming into my life. There is a one-woman-show winking at me and sticking out her tongue from a distant horizon. There is a full in-person Soul Purpose Astrology practice here in NYC flowing in. There is aliveness, peace, connection, nourishment–seeds planted, growing steadily from within.
I find that when I’m being awake and open to the full range of my experience, I taste the bitter and the sweet simultaneously. This moment is no exception.
©2015 Melissa Simonson
