Tag Archives: Honesty

Holy Shit. Feeling Joy Is Scary

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MelissaJOy

So, for 5 years, the brand name of my business was JoyDiva. On twitter, I’m still TheJoyDiva.

And today, I’m recognizing that joy might be the most challenging emotion to allow myself to soften into. I’m kickass at creating joy out of tragedy, of seeing the beauty amidst the mud and muck of existence…and I’ve caught my mind red-handed this week doing everything it can to sabotage simple joy left and right.

In her breadth of work on vulnerability, Brené Brown mentions that “joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience,” and I now see that I am no exception to this experience. I can pour my heart out to you on this page. I can talk about my pain, I can start a new life from nothing, own a business, perform and speak before hundreds of people, etc…but if you give me an opportunity to experience joy…the joy of success, of falling in love and all that good stuff…my mind will search for a million ways to shut that shit down in an instant.

I get it. I dealt with a lot of angry outbursts coming at me when I was a kid and a lot of drama. I got attached to the experience of the other shoe dropping without warning. So I’ve made myself hyper-vigilant, to create an illusion of being in control. I create mental obstacle courses for my loved ones to prove that it’s safe to let go and simply feel the joy of their love. When you don’t give me what I want, I make you wrong in my mind and put walls between us as I come up with a gazillion stories about why you didn’t give me what I want and create you as the enemy. When you tell me you love me, I beam and moments later start to think about how that love might go away, how you don’t really mean it, how you’re going to change your mind–disappointing myself now, so that you can’t do it later. (Think you’re going to hurt me in some unknown future? Well don’t worry ’cause I’m gonna hurt myself first and real good so you don’t get to!) Yikes.

As it turns out, my mind is a master joy-killer, and in its addiction to keeping me safe and in control, it’s kept me from the experience of true connection and the innocent bliss that follows. It’s kept me in an anxious state of holding my breath the minute something joyous comes into my life.

And I’m so excited to see this! To see how scary it is for me to trust in innocent joy and goodness, to see how I’VE broken my own heart so many times by stopping my joy in it’s tracks with looking for what is or is going to go wrong. I love that I am catching myself in the act of joy-killing–noticing the thoughts and breathing as I let them go and bring myself back to what’s actually happening in the moment.

Because the truth is, I really can just be in love, and I really can just feel joy. You really can just love me and keep on loving me. And tonight, I am loving the little girl in me who is terrified to let go of control, and I am embracing her with compassionate understanding. This is an old story, and I don’t need it to protect myself any longer. Moment by moment, step by step, I now have the opportunity to soften, further and further and further into…love.

Holy shit. Deep breath.

:)Melissa

©2014 Melissa Simonson

Facing Fears, Burning Through Illusion

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As I let go, and let go, and let go, I find myself coming upon all kinds of opportunities to expand beyond former edges and burn through limitations.

What actions do you avoid taking in your life because you’re terrified of how it would make you feel?

For me, right now, it’s any action that could potentially cause me to lose external approval or be ridiculed that makes my throat tighten and a fire rise in my chest. And so I’m taking actions, step-by-step to kill that made-up ego story. Creating this video was one small way of peeling back a limiting layer. x

Loving Revelation: Being positive in the midst of cynicism

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So when I took the StrengthsFinder 2.0 assessment a few years back, one of my top 5 strengths was Positivity…which is, of course, a no-brainer for those who know me and/or even loosely follow my posts.

And I LOVE this strength–it is the essence of my enthusiasm, my authentic ability to see the good in all people and circumstances, my sense of humor and my ability to buoy the spirits of those around me…

What’s hard about it, though, is that I also wear my heart on my sleeve, and I can feel like a big, shiny target for (what I experience as) bubble-bursting cynics. And as much as it seems like “you can’t bring this girl down,” believe me, you can. And for what good reason?

My positivity can look like naivete to folks who don’t see life through the same lens, and I get that people might be trying to save me from disappointment or from some harsh future reality through “bringing me down to earth” or inserting what they think is reality into my experience, and yet, my reality has never colored the world as harsh and I like the life I’m creating. Life only ever feels harsh when I meet people who try to convince me that I’m going to soon discover that life is harsh. And as much as they might think that they’re sparing me from some nameless bad thing in my future…It just hurts me in the here and now…and then I have to do mental and emotional backtracking to get back to what’s true FOR ME.

One of the things it says in the StrengthsFinder assessment for people who have this strength is to choose not to hang around negative or cynical people because they drain me and bring me down…which is true. And I wish it were so simple to just “not hang around them,” and the reality of life, and especially of my life in meeting all new people, right now, is that I can’t avoid them all. I just wish it didn’t make me feel hurt and icky and less somehow when I encounter people trying to give me a “dose of reality.” In all of my capacity to rise above, to not take on other people’s stuff…I’ve not mastered this one. I’m so mutable and good at trying on other’s perspectives that I can lose my sense of what feels good for me in these kinds of interactions.

And I know those people will keep coming…especially as I’ve moved to a big city where people are trying to make dreams happen, and so many people seem to have a say on the right and wrong way to do that…and all I’m left with, right now is perhaps strengthening my ability to say, “Thanks for your perspective and my experience of life has been different…and I like my view.”

I may have just arrived in NYC 2 weeks ago, but I’ve been alive for 32 years and I haven’t lived in a vacuum. So far my life experience has said that no matter where I am, I get back 10-fold what I give…and what I want exists. And that’s the world I continue to choose–whether I’m in NYC, or Bangkok, or Monona, WI.

Sorry if this seems a little ranty–just feeling a little tender and drained tonight. I welcome your perspective, dear hearts.

(And, I also invite you to notice in your own life when you might burst someone’s bubble for the sake of being right…and assess: Is it really worth it?) xo

:)Melissa

©2014 Melissa Simonson

Love Revelation: The lie that I tell…

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So, I have this lie that I tell.

I tell it every time I walk into a group of people…the bigger the group, the bigger the lie. I tell it when I’m the “new girl” or I’m about to embark on something completely new and out of my comfort zone.

It goes something like this:

“I don’t belong here. I’m invisible. Everyone knows what they’re doing except me and no one cares that I feel lost. No one even cares if I am here or not…”

This lie seemed to get crystallized around age 10, the first week of band class when I picked up my flute to play a song I knew well…and unbeknownst to me, the band was playing it in a different key…but since I didn’t know that, all I thought was, “I’m wrong and I don’t even know why and no one cares.” If it weren’t for my dad getting me extra help when I came home crying and wanting to quit, I wouldn’t be playing flute today.

And the funny thing is, I’m not 10 anymore, but that memory, that feeling, can live itself over and over again every time I step into a new situation with a group of people, and every time, I want to quit, to walk away, to find the escape hatch.

And it’s a lie because the truth is, I belong the moment that I say I belong. I belong the moment that I step outside of my “what about me” fears and get present, really present and engage with the people around me. I belong when I get that every single person on this planet is a contribution, and I can choose to be a powerful, loving contribution.

I belong when I express myself, all of myself, when I share from my heart and create the space for others to share from their hearts.

I discover with a little more ease each time I start to tell this lie that if I want to belong, I need to create a space where others belong.

I’ve found that life is so much more powerful when I give away what I want the most.

So I ask you: What are you going to give away today?

©2014 Melissa Simonson

Love Revelation: Do you remember what Surrender feels like?

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I woke up feeling heavy, on the verge of getting sick, like I could sleep forever. Efforting at my life, not loving my life, feeling lost and alone and in between. I managed to shower and put myself together and get my butt to a cafe. And then this happened: Out of the blue a dear special person in my life, who I’ve not been well-connected to lately texted me (conversation shared with permission) and so worth reading to the end.

Him: Just finished The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. Goes nicely with Jed McKenna.

Me: Ooh! Thank you, Love!

Him: Been reading Jed?

Me: Yes. Stepped away from it briefly amidst my Brooklyn move (I’m there now!) a good reminder to revisit him.

Him: How’s NYC?

Me: It’s very NYC! Hahaha! I’m enjoying learning a new structural language for my life here and am also very tired. Needing to pace myself. Looking for a room to sublet while I rent a room from a friend for the month. Start the Landmark Introduction Leaders Program tomorrow, which I’m excited about–an opportunity to meet some amazing peeps and keep expanding. I’m in the midst of a big uplevel. Lots of stuff moving and shifting!

(Where the magic happens)

Him: Did you start some efforting again, Miss Simonson?

(Some internal resistance to this question)

Me: Hmmmmm…much of this has unfolded with ease. And yes, efforting. I guess I’m not experiencing a clear distinction between efforting and not efforting. I decided that I wanted to do the into leaders program which starts tomorrow, and I definitely had to move my booty to get here to fulfill on that desire. Truly, though, I think I’ve been pretty uplifted in this process. It’s more the daily coping with complete newness and being connected to the internal sense of home amidst perceived chaos. So yes, efforting. 🙂

Him: 🙂 Remember what surrender feels like?

Me: Yes.

Him: Which one do you prefer?

Me: SURRENDER!!!! 🙂

Him: Me too. 🙂 Do you remember your way back?

Me: Maybe not.

Him: You don’t create stuff that looks like what you’re thinking. You create stuff that looks like what you’re feeling.

Me: Mmmm…yes.

Him: So I would look for any places where you’ve placed a higher value on what you’re thinking about in the moment than on how you’re feeling in the moment. I would look for opportunities to say no to things I would have definitely said yes to in the past. I would make my default answer NO, unless it’s a HELL YES. But if it’s a hell yes, that’s pretty obvious.

Me: Yes. Like “making money” and “finding the perfect” apartment.

Him: Yeah, stop thinking about those things if they don’t light you up. Get back to lavish self-care.

Me: Def doing that…my heart says, “beauty please” so that’s what’s been pulling me. 🙂

Him: Good. Be monomaniacal about that.

Me: I love these insights so much. Thank you!

Him: Lose yourself in creating beauty for you. Forget everything else.

Me: Yay! Deep nourishing breath filling my lungs…

Him: That’s truth recognition.

Me: Yes…as are the watery eyes.

Him: If you create from wanting safety, approval, and control, you create a world where you need those things. And they’re all imaginary. I prefer a world where I’m free from wanting those things.

Me: I can feel the distinction. Perfect.

Him: Wanting is the opposite of having. If you don’t want them, you never lose them. You’re perfect. And your existence is the gift. Not your struggle.

Me: Smile of truth recognition.

Him: Just be. No doing required – ever.

Me: You are amazing. Thank you for this precious gift.

Him: Always a pleasure to give you back to you. 🙂

And I’m left feeling opened, softened and deeply loved. I am so blessed.

©2014 Melissa Simonson