Tag Archives: Honesty

Dancing with grief and grace

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I find myself in a dance right now between grief and grace.

My heart hurts upon waking and it seems to take the jaws of life at times to pull my attention away from the painful stories in my mind and shift toward my breath and the innocence of the present moment.

I get myself up and moving and at times throughout the day I am again overcome, filled with so many emotions, one after the other, and it feels like I will be tortured by this painful experience for eternity.

And then there is grace: little reminders here and there to bring me back to center, to remind me that I am loved, to remind me of the limitless capacity of my love.

There is grace as it shows up in my work–last night a phone session with a dear soul needing guidance and clarity as she processes the end of a significant relationship, and after an hour of deeply listening to her and calling forth what’s needed, it was as if *I* just had someone spend an hour holding space for me as I processed my own grief, and fears, and questions of “what now?” She walked away clear, connected and grounded in herself and so did I. Through you, my wisdom is called forth in ways that grace us both. There are no words for my immense gratitude for that gift.

I’m not a victim of another or of my circumstances, I am a powerful agent of grace, and as I step into that awareness, I am met by grace around every corner.

And so it is.

Melissa

Grieving

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Every painful loss I have ever endured has only been the loss of an illusion.

And it fucking hurts in every cell of my body as I grieve and resist. I get angry at God, like my wants were a perfect plan ripped away, like I’m being punished for something, like a spoiled child screaming, “You never let me have ANYTHING!!!!”

And then, somehow, I surrender. I pick up the pieces and move on. Life goes on without my illusion.

Today, I’m not there yet. I was really attached to this illusion.

Love is a continual practice of letting go…and letting go…and letting go

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As I receive unconditional love and acceptance from my partner on a whole, new level for me, I am being confronted with inner demons that I didn’t fully know were there.

Because relationship is simply a mirror for our own relationship with ourselves, I find that as I experience love flowing in, that love is being matched by an equally powerful self-doubt and in all honesty, a self-loathing that is both painful and surprising. The mirror is being held up and I’m seeing all of the qualities that I didn’t even realize I find unlovable within myself, all of the ways that I reject myself. My ego is squirming this week and looking for cover…big-time. The mask is falling away and I’m coming face-to-face with my imperfection.

There’s a very young voice that comes forth inside of me wondering, “Have I gone too far this time? Have you seen too much? Is this the point when I make the love go away?” It is raw, vulnerable, down-right terrified.

I’ve found myself experiencing deep shame at various points this week, judging myself, feeling tremendously insecure, wondering when the stronger, empowered…get this…more lovable me…will return. You know, the me who “has it all together.” This week I’m being challenged to surrender a deeply ingrained belief about myself, about love–that I have to control your experience of me, that I have to act and operate in a certain way in order to be worthy of your love.

And as I’ve been the snotty, needy, victim-minded, emotional mess…ummm…not the me I wanted my partner to see, I’m having to face this fear head on: What will happen when I’m not playing the part? When I let the wounded little girl come out of the closet? What will happen when I’m not in control?

And well, I’m finding out even as I write.

I see now that the deeper the love, the deeper the surrender that’s required. Love is a continual practice of letting go, and letting go, and letting go.

And the most challenging and beautiful part of this whole process: It’s not my partner’s job to love me. It’s MY job. It’s MY job to heal this old wound and to hold myself gently. Right now, loving myself as I’m facing my “ugly” parts is in writing this post, it’s in creating spaciousness for myself, focusing on what matters to me, and it’s in allowing myself to be seen and believe in the love I’m receiving from my partner. Slowly, and steadily unfurling my petals despite how “unsafe” that feels. And breathing. And breathing.

Real love is no fairytale. It doesn’t just show up and good feelings abound happily ever after. It challenges us, stretches us, grows us…heals us. It’s so much more dimensional than a fairytale. It’s not perfect. It’s real life. It’s an opportunity to see who we REALLY are, and love what we find there…even when we don’t. 😉

All my love,

:)Melissa

There are no “right” rules to learn. There’s just love.

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My heart breaks when I witness people jumping through hoops to “get” the love of another. I’m in some forums here on Facebook where I witness women trying so hard to learn the right strategy in relationships and it’s so clear to me that the only thing to “do” is to let all of those games go. And it hurts me because each of those people is holding up a mirror for the games I, myself, got tangled up in for years–my own unconscious version of self-torture. With each day that passes, I’m letting go of all of the strategy and getting that when it comes to relationship, there are no rules. There’s just love.

For years, I thought “If I can just stop doing this, or learn that, or love myself enough, or be feminine enough, or be more patient, blah blah blah” THEN I’ll get to experience someone REALLY loving me.

As it turns out, there’s nothing to get right. You don’t have to perform a circus act. You don’t have to worry about whether or not you’re “leaning back” or “leaning forward.” There’s no “too masculine” or “too feminine,” no “too much or too little.”

When it’s love, you just work it out…together.

As it turns out, through the eyes of Love, each one of us truly is enough with every edge and angle of imperfection.

The little girl me who was so convinced that she had to get it right and would inevitably mess up and make the love go away is healing, bit by bit, with every opportunity to feel and share and release. This week, I’ve had freak outs and made up stories, I’ve had moments of elation followed by deep fears taking over, and I’ve thrown some not-so-grown-up tantrums in reaction to all of the made-up stories. Not my proudest moments, dear hearts…AND I learn more and more each day that Love doesn’t leave when it knows the truth.

We, my loves, are here for connection. And the only way to connect is to get really messy, to get really vulnerable, to risk making “all of the mistakes.” And I will tell you that there is nothing more healing than letting it all hang out and discovering through the mirror of another just how lovable that you really are.

I am so damn lovable, it’s amazing.

When love is present, it trumps any rules, any moves that you do or do not make. After years of trying to figure out who and how to be to experience real love in my life, I’m now seeing that it was really more about my soul path and surrendering to divine timing. Because most of what I “learned” I’m now throwing out the window–it turns out all of those rules of how to be just get in the way of receiving what is real.

So, I dare you to throw away the strategy and stop trying to learn the “right way” to “get the relationship of your dreams.” It’s just bullshit, dear hearts.

So, will you join me in ending the games? In stopping the strategy sessions? In forgiving yourself for all that you are and are not?

Be you. Trust in God. All is unfolding exactly as it is supposed to.

All my love,

:)Melissa

In Love…and Allowing Myself to Express it

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In light of yesterday’s post about allowing myself to soften into the vulnerable experience of joy, I’m choosing not to contain myself today: I am in love with an amazing man who very much loves me back.

Despite all of the ego fears that creep up telling me that it’s possible to “jinx” this wonderful experience by declaring it out loud, I’ve decided that I don’t give a shit. Regardless of what will ever come around the corner—today, right now, in this moment, I am blissfully content with this unfolding relationship, and I am giving myself the gift of expressing that joy with you.

And what do you know? The sky isn’t falling. The house is not burning to the ground.

I’m claiming my joy…and taking deep breaths as I bask in the sacredness of this tender, vulnerable space–allowing myself to receive the love that has been present here all along, waiting for me to open to it. Healing, releasing, breathing and healing some more.

Thank you, God, for this growing awareness and the precious gift of the love that is You in all of Your forms. I honor You today by choosing to receive You fully in all of Your brilliant glory. Thank You for blessing my life with all that unfolds, for the gift of this growth. May I remain an open conduit to receive Your love and offer it up through all that I am, that you are. AMEN.

:)Melissa

©2014 Melissa Simonson