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Facing Fears, Burning Through Illusion

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As I let go, and let go, and let go, I find myself coming upon all kinds of opportunities to expand beyond former edges and burn through limitations.

What actions do you avoid taking in your life because you’re terrified of how it would make you feel?

For me, right now, it’s any action that could potentially cause me to lose external approval or be ridiculed that makes my throat tighten and a fire rise in my chest. And so I’m taking actions, step-by-step to kill that made-up ego story. Creating this video was one small way of peeling back a limiting layer. x

My Soul Said, “STOP!”

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Sometimes in life you just have to stop. Everything.

Even when it means losing money, losing a reputation, losing relationships, losing…yourSELF.

And that is what I am now committed to: Losing my self. Shedding layer after layer of falseness. The identity created by a little girl to try to cope with the harshness of life. The identity of a little girl trained to please. The identity created by a little girl terrified of losing love.

As if love is ever anything that we can lose.

Here’s what I’m coming to discover: The ego is constantly working to obtain 3 things–Safety, Control and Approval–and like a master of illusion, it is constantly masking the pursuit of these three goals with all kinds of pretty, shiny, good intentions.

Like transforming lives, making a difference, making people feel good, inspiring people (For me, these have all been lovely masks for getting approval)

Making money, getting clients, growing my business, marketing, etc. (great masks for attempting to obtain safety and control)

And there is nothing wrong with all of these things that I was doing. It’s just that as long as I’m trying to meet the needs of my quenchless ego, I am not free–climbing up the mountain to fall down, to climb up and fall down again. I finally saw, with eyes wide open, the futility of this search. Every moment that I feel I need to explain myself. Doing work that I don’t want to do in order to make money. Agreeing to do things and committing to things when my heart says, “NO.” All of it was out of a drive to obtain safety, control and approval. And while I never actually felt fully safe, in control or like I had the whole world’s approval, I certainly experienced a whole lot of suffering-a bipolar roller-coaster of having what I want to then lose it again. As long as I am attached, the experience of infinite love, of Truth, of limitless freedom will elude me.

And because a long, long time ago, I prayed for the complete freedom of infinite surrender, it’s so perfect that I found myself a couple of months ago unable to go on as I was. I came right smack up against the edges of my identity and suddenly I felt trapped, exhausted, and with no where to turn. The only thing I could see to do was to just stop.

And so, in the midst of a “60 sessions in 60 days” campaign, I did just that. I cancelled sessions. I stopped marketing my business. I deactivated Facebook. After years of building a following as someone who inspires, I just turned it all off.

I’m currently not clear on next steps. I am not a caterpillar. I’m not a butterfly. Most days, right now, I feel like the goo in the chrysalis. Formless. Both dying and also becoming. Lots of stuff is happening, and at the same time, I’m being stripped down to nothing. At moments (the ones where my ego is grasping for safety, control and approval), I am terrified. At other moments, this nothingness is pure freedom.

I have been playing music and doing some song-writing. I feel inspired to busk in NYC parks and subways, and am facing some fears as I step into that space. I feel called to start sharing my gifts freely and widely–where people gather to listen with open hearts, I will sing and speak.

I’m still inspired by my gifts as an Astrologer because I see the power in revealing your soul purpose and the gift it is to you. I see that through that work I take people to the deep essence of who they are and align you with where your freedom and deep fulfillment live. I’m here to wake people up as I too am on this path of awakening. If you are called to connect with the deepest purpose of your soul, to see yourself and be seen as you never have before, and to discover how to let go of all that holds you back…I want to speak to you. We have great gifts for one another.

What it comes down to is that I just don’t give a shit anymore about the things I used to think mattered. I’m waking up…and in the process, this character I created is dying. I don’t even know the woman who created this website anymore…she is like a friend I used to know. For now, I’m using it because it’s here and serves my purposes of the moment. In the months ahead…who knows? I’m now on a path of infinite surrender. My current prayer: “Thy will be done.” This prayer is bittersweet…so much letting go, and moments of immense grief…and moments of deep love and gratitude. I am letting go and feeling myself soften into that surrender more fully with each day that passes as I align my personal will with divine will.

And in this letting go of who I thought I was and who I think I am…I am opening to discover myself as I would a new love…with pleasurable curiosity and delight at what I find. It is the primordial love affair. As it turns out, I am my soul mate, and I’m meeting me for the first time.

With deepest love for you, Beloved.

Melissa

Love Revelation: The power of “AND”

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me

On August 27th, 2013, the word “AND” transformed my life.

Let me explain.

Two days before, in my Advanced Course with Landmark Worldwide I’d had a huge breakthrough that had me seeing all of the ways that I was living my life as a victim who needs to protect herself from anger, harshness, disappointment. I was being a coach inside of the thought “Please don’t be mad at me;” a daughter, lover, friend inside of the thought, “Please don’t be mad at me;” I was pursuing my dreams inside of the thought, “Please don’t be mad at me:” which ummm…wasn’t very effective, to say the least. Was I making things happen? Yes. And I had NO CLUE what I could make possible through freedom from that fear story.

So there I was on August 27th, the final night of my Advanced course, and we were doing one last exercise. It went like this:

Look for all of the statements where you say, I want X BUT Y. And we were going back and forth with a partner stating as many of these as we could think of.

“I want to have a passionate, committed relationship BUT I’m afraid it’s not possible for me.”

“I want to make money doing what I love BUT I don’t know how.”

“I want to move out of my mom’s house BUT I can’t afford it.”

Then we made one little shift that created my life as I know it today. We simply took that little word, that action-stopping, you-can’t-have-what-you-want word, “BUT” and replaced it with “AND.”

“I want to have a passionate, committed relationship AND I’m afraid it’s not possible for me.”

“I want to make money doing what I love AND I don’t know how.”

“I want to move out of my mom’s house AND I can’t afford it.”

And suddenly the world opened up. There were actions I could take to have what I want. There was the possibility to move forward in my life in ways that truly matter to me. When I got to that last one about wanting to move out of my mom’s house AND not being able to afford it, I was stopped in my tracks:

“I need to move out of my mom’s house.”

And then I saw actions: Get clear on my finances, pick a date to move out and get clear on prices of apartments that I want, create a financial plan to make it happen, etc.

And I hit the ground running. That next week I was looking at apartments in Madison. And than it occurred to me: I don’t want to live in Madison anymore. I want to move to Brooklyn, NY, and I’m going to do it by March of 2014. I registered into the Landmark Introduction Leaders Program that just started this past Friday as a way to REALLY throw my hat over that fence.

And well, my loves, I’m writing this post from Brooklyn, NY and it’s March of 2014. And believe me: there were freak outs and break downs. I nearly cancelled my registration for that program multiple times. I chose to move in the midst of a business re-brand, which felt insane. And I didn’t let that stop me. I found the courage to ask friends and family for financial support in order to follow through on my commitment to get here in March to begin that program, and between the online GoFundMe campaign (http://www.gofundme.com/MelissaNYCJourney), and loving checks in the mail, I’ve currently raised $2,961 toward my $5000 goal, with 11 days left. Vulnerable to ask–Hell yes. And I didn’t let the word “BUT” stop me from creating the invitation for others to contribute powerfully to my life and those who I’m meant to touch with my life.

And I’m falling in love with what is beginning to unfold in my life here in my new city. And oh yeah, I’m going to have that relationship that I want, and every day I get to do more and more of the work that I love while also making money…doing what I love.

Anything is possible when we remove the word “BUT” from our language.

“AND” just might be my new favorite word. 

Now it’s your turn: What could that simple word make possible in YOUR life? What actions can you take to turn YOUR wanting into reality?

All my love,

:)Melissa

©2014 Melissa Simonson

Loving Revelation: Being positive in the midst of cynicism

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So when I took the StrengthsFinder 2.0 assessment a few years back, one of my top 5 strengths was Positivity…which is, of course, a no-brainer for those who know me and/or even loosely follow my posts.

And I LOVE this strength–it is the essence of my enthusiasm, my authentic ability to see the good in all people and circumstances, my sense of humor and my ability to buoy the spirits of those around me…

What’s hard about it, though, is that I also wear my heart on my sleeve, and I can feel like a big, shiny target for (what I experience as) bubble-bursting cynics. And as much as it seems like “you can’t bring this girl down,” believe me, you can. And for what good reason?

My positivity can look like naivete to folks who don’t see life through the same lens, and I get that people might be trying to save me from disappointment or from some harsh future reality through “bringing me down to earth” or inserting what they think is reality into my experience, and yet, my reality has never colored the world as harsh and I like the life I’m creating. Life only ever feels harsh when I meet people who try to convince me that I’m going to soon discover that life is harsh. And as much as they might think that they’re sparing me from some nameless bad thing in my future…It just hurts me in the here and now…and then I have to do mental and emotional backtracking to get back to what’s true FOR ME.

One of the things it says in the StrengthsFinder assessment for people who have this strength is to choose not to hang around negative or cynical people because they drain me and bring me down…which is true. And I wish it were so simple to just “not hang around them,” and the reality of life, and especially of my life in meeting all new people, right now, is that I can’t avoid them all. I just wish it didn’t make me feel hurt and icky and less somehow when I encounter people trying to give me a “dose of reality.” In all of my capacity to rise above, to not take on other people’s stuff…I’ve not mastered this one. I’m so mutable and good at trying on other’s perspectives that I can lose my sense of what feels good for me in these kinds of interactions.

And I know those people will keep coming…especially as I’ve moved to a big city where people are trying to make dreams happen, and so many people seem to have a say on the right and wrong way to do that…and all I’m left with, right now is perhaps strengthening my ability to say, “Thanks for your perspective and my experience of life has been different…and I like my view.”

I may have just arrived in NYC 2 weeks ago, but I’ve been alive for 32 years and I haven’t lived in a vacuum. So far my life experience has said that no matter where I am, I get back 10-fold what I give…and what I want exists. And that’s the world I continue to choose–whether I’m in NYC, or Bangkok, or Monona, WI.

Sorry if this seems a little ranty–just feeling a little tender and drained tonight. I welcome your perspective, dear hearts.

(And, I also invite you to notice in your own life when you might burst someone’s bubble for the sake of being right…and assess: Is it really worth it?) xo

:)Melissa

©2014 Melissa Simonson

Love Revelation: The lie that I tell…

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So, I have this lie that I tell.

I tell it every time I walk into a group of people…the bigger the group, the bigger the lie. I tell it when I’m the “new girl” or I’m about to embark on something completely new and out of my comfort zone.

It goes something like this:

“I don’t belong here. I’m invisible. Everyone knows what they’re doing except me and no one cares that I feel lost. No one even cares if I am here or not…”

This lie seemed to get crystallized around age 10, the first week of band class when I picked up my flute to play a song I knew well…and unbeknownst to me, the band was playing it in a different key…but since I didn’t know that, all I thought was, “I’m wrong and I don’t even know why and no one cares.” If it weren’t for my dad getting me extra help when I came home crying and wanting to quit, I wouldn’t be playing flute today.

And the funny thing is, I’m not 10 anymore, but that memory, that feeling, can live itself over and over again every time I step into a new situation with a group of people, and every time, I want to quit, to walk away, to find the escape hatch.

And it’s a lie because the truth is, I belong the moment that I say I belong. I belong the moment that I step outside of my “what about me” fears and get present, really present and engage with the people around me. I belong when I get that every single person on this planet is a contribution, and I can choose to be a powerful, loving contribution.

I belong when I express myself, all of myself, when I share from my heart and create the space for others to share from their hearts.

I discover with a little more ease each time I start to tell this lie that if I want to belong, I need to create a space where others belong.

I’ve found that life is so much more powerful when I give away what I want the most.

So I ask you: What are you going to give away today?

©2014 Melissa Simonson