I woke up feeling heavy, on the verge of getting sick, like I could sleep forever. Efforting at my life, not loving my life, feeling lost and alone and in between. I managed to shower and put myself together and get my butt to a cafe. And then this happened: Out of the blue a dear special person in my life, who I’ve not been well-connected to lately texted me (conversation shared with permission) and so worth reading to the end.
Him: Just finished The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. Goes nicely with Jed McKenna.
Me: Ooh! Thank you, Love!
Him: Been reading Jed?
Me: Yes. Stepped away from it briefly amidst my Brooklyn move (I’m there now!) a good reminder to revisit him.
Him: How’s NYC?
Me: It’s very NYC! Hahaha! I’m enjoying learning a new structural language for my life here and am also very tired. Needing to pace myself. Looking for a room to sublet while I rent a room from a friend for the month. Start the Landmark Introduction Leaders Program tomorrow, which I’m excited about–an opportunity to meet some amazing peeps and keep expanding. I’m in the midst of a big uplevel. Lots of stuff moving and shifting!
(Where the magic happens)
Him: Did you start some efforting again, Miss Simonson?
(Some internal resistance to this question)
Me: Hmmmmm…much of this has unfolded with ease. And yes, efforting. I guess I’m not experiencing a clear distinction between efforting and not efforting. I decided that I wanted to do the into leaders program which starts tomorrow, and I definitely had to move my booty to get here to fulfill on that desire. Truly, though, I think I’ve been pretty uplifted in this process. It’s more the daily coping with complete newness and being connected to the internal sense of home amidst perceived chaos. So yes, efforting. 🙂
Him: 🙂 Remember what surrender feels like?
Me: Yes.
Him: Which one do you prefer?
Me: SURRENDER!!!! 🙂
Him: Me too. 🙂 Do you remember your way back?
Me: Maybe not.
Him: You don’t create stuff that looks like what you’re thinking. You create stuff that looks like what you’re feeling.
Me: Mmmm…yes.
Him: So I would look for any places where you’ve placed a higher value on what you’re thinking about in the moment than on how you’re feeling in the moment. I would look for opportunities to say no to things I would have definitely said yes to in the past. I would make my default answer NO, unless it’s a HELL YES. But if it’s a hell yes, that’s pretty obvious.
Me: Yes. Like “making money” and “finding the perfect” apartment.
Him: Yeah, stop thinking about those things if they don’t light you up. Get back to lavish self-care.
Me: Def doing that…my heart says, “beauty please” so that’s what’s been pulling me. 🙂
Him: Good. Be monomaniacal about that.
Me: I love these insights so much. Thank you!
Him: Lose yourself in creating beauty for you. Forget everything else.
Me: Yay! Deep nourishing breath filling my lungs…
Him: That’s truth recognition.
Me: Yes…as are the watery eyes.
Him: If you create from wanting safety, approval, and control, you create a world where you need those things. And they’re all imaginary. I prefer a world where I’m free from wanting those things.
Me: I can feel the distinction. Perfect.
Him: Wanting is the opposite of having. If you don’t want them, you never lose them. You’re perfect. And your existence is the gift. Not your struggle.
Me: Smile of truth recognition.
Him: Just be. No doing required – ever.
Me: You are amazing. Thank you for this precious gift.
Him: Always a pleasure to give you back to you. 🙂
And I’m left feeling opened, softened and deeply loved. I am so blessed.
©2014 Melissa Simonson
