Tag Archives: Facing Fears

In Love…and Allowing Myself to Express it

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In light of yesterday’s post about allowing myself to soften into the vulnerable experience of joy, I’m choosing not to contain myself today: I am in love with an amazing man who very much loves me back.

Despite all of the ego fears that creep up telling me that it’s possible to “jinx” this wonderful experience by declaring it out loud, I’ve decided that I don’t give a shit. Regardless of what will ever come around the corner—today, right now, in this moment, I am blissfully content with this unfolding relationship, and I am giving myself the gift of expressing that joy with you.

And what do you know? The sky isn’t falling. The house is not burning to the ground.

I’m claiming my joy…and taking deep breaths as I bask in the sacredness of this tender, vulnerable space–allowing myself to receive the love that has been present here all along, waiting for me to open to it. Healing, releasing, breathing and healing some more.

Thank you, God, for this growing awareness and the precious gift of the love that is You in all of Your forms. I honor You today by choosing to receive You fully in all of Your brilliant glory. Thank You for blessing my life with all that unfolds, for the gift of this growth. May I remain an open conduit to receive Your love and offer it up through all that I am, that you are. AMEN.

:)Melissa

©2014 Melissa Simonson

Holy Shit. Feeling Joy Is Scary

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MelissaJOy

So, for 5 years, the brand name of my business was JoyDiva. On twitter, I’m still TheJoyDiva.

And today, I’m recognizing that joy might be the most challenging emotion to allow myself to soften into. I’m kickass at creating joy out of tragedy, of seeing the beauty amidst the mud and muck of existence…and I’ve caught my mind red-handed this week doing everything it can to sabotage simple joy left and right.

In her breadth of work on vulnerability, Brené Brown mentions that “joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience,” and I now see that I am no exception to this experience. I can pour my heart out to you on this page. I can talk about my pain, I can start a new life from nothing, own a business, perform and speak before hundreds of people, etc…but if you give me an opportunity to experience joy…the joy of success, of falling in love and all that good stuff…my mind will search for a million ways to shut that shit down in an instant.

I get it. I dealt with a lot of angry outbursts coming at me when I was a kid and a lot of drama. I got attached to the experience of the other shoe dropping without warning. So I’ve made myself hyper-vigilant, to create an illusion of being in control. I create mental obstacle courses for my loved ones to prove that it’s safe to let go and simply feel the joy of their love. When you don’t give me what I want, I make you wrong in my mind and put walls between us as I come up with a gazillion stories about why you didn’t give me what I want and create you as the enemy. When you tell me you love me, I beam and moments later start to think about how that love might go away, how you don’t really mean it, how you’re going to change your mind–disappointing myself now, so that you can’t do it later. (Think you’re going to hurt me in some unknown future? Well don’t worry ’cause I’m gonna hurt myself first and real good so you don’t get to!) Yikes.

As it turns out, my mind is a master joy-killer, and in its addiction to keeping me safe and in control, it’s kept me from the experience of true connection and the innocent bliss that follows. It’s kept me in an anxious state of holding my breath the minute something joyous comes into my life.

And I’m so excited to see this! To see how scary it is for me to trust in innocent joy and goodness, to see how I’VE broken my own heart so many times by stopping my joy in it’s tracks with looking for what is or is going to go wrong. I love that I am catching myself in the act of joy-killing–noticing the thoughts and breathing as I let them go and bring myself back to what’s actually happening in the moment.

Because the truth is, I really can just be in love, and I really can just feel joy. You really can just love me and keep on loving me. And tonight, I am loving the little girl in me who is terrified to let go of control, and I am embracing her with compassionate understanding. This is an old story, and I don’t need it to protect myself any longer. Moment by moment, step by step, I now have the opportunity to soften, further and further and further into…love.

Holy shit. Deep breath.

:)Melissa

©2014 Melissa Simonson

Let Life Crack Me Open

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Melissa

Let life crack me open
So that the truth leaks out
Like liquid light…transforming
The darkness

Let me be filled up to the brim
With more than I can handle
So that I may discover that I am
Limitless

That love is limitless

There are no hurts too big
No joys too messy
To mess with the heart of me
The bones of me
My soul

Use me
Challenge me
Stretch me
Grow me

So that I might fully
Know the gift
Of my life.

Facing Fears, Burning Through Illusion

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As I let go, and let go, and let go, I find myself coming upon all kinds of opportunities to expand beyond former edges and burn through limitations.

What actions do you avoid taking in your life because you’re terrified of how it would make you feel?

For me, right now, it’s any action that could potentially cause me to lose external approval or be ridiculed that makes my throat tighten and a fire rise in my chest. And so I’m taking actions, step-by-step to kill that made-up ego story. Creating this video was one small way of peeling back a limiting layer. x

My Soul Said, “STOP!”

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Sometimes in life you just have to stop. Everything.

Even when it means losing money, losing a reputation, losing relationships, losing…yourSELF.

And that is what I am now committed to: Losing my self. Shedding layer after layer of falseness. The identity created by a little girl to try to cope with the harshness of life. The identity of a little girl trained to please. The identity created by a little girl terrified of losing love.

As if love is ever anything that we can lose.

Here’s what I’m coming to discover: The ego is constantly working to obtain 3 things–Safety, Control and Approval–and like a master of illusion, it is constantly masking the pursuit of these three goals with all kinds of pretty, shiny, good intentions.

Like transforming lives, making a difference, making people feel good, inspiring people (For me, these have all been lovely masks for getting approval)

Making money, getting clients, growing my business, marketing, etc. (great masks for attempting to obtain safety and control)

And there is nothing wrong with all of these things that I was doing. It’s just that as long as I’m trying to meet the needs of my quenchless ego, I am not free–climbing up the mountain to fall down, to climb up and fall down again. I finally saw, with eyes wide open, the futility of this search. Every moment that I feel I need to explain myself. Doing work that I don’t want to do in order to make money. Agreeing to do things and committing to things when my heart says, “NO.” All of it was out of a drive to obtain safety, control and approval. And while I never actually felt fully safe, in control or like I had the whole world’s approval, I certainly experienced a whole lot of suffering-a bipolar roller-coaster of having what I want to then lose it again. As long as I am attached, the experience of infinite love, of Truth, of limitless freedom will elude me.

And because a long, long time ago, I prayed for the complete freedom of infinite surrender, it’s so perfect that I found myself a couple of months ago unable to go on as I was. I came right smack up against the edges of my identity and suddenly I felt trapped, exhausted, and with no where to turn. The only thing I could see to do was to just stop.

And so, in the midst of a “60 sessions in 60 days” campaign, I did just that. I cancelled sessions. I stopped marketing my business. I deactivated Facebook. After years of building a following as someone who inspires, I just turned it all off.

I’m currently not clear on next steps. I am not a caterpillar. I’m not a butterfly. Most days, right now, I feel like the goo in the chrysalis. Formless. Both dying and also becoming. Lots of stuff is happening, and at the same time, I’m being stripped down to nothing. At moments (the ones where my ego is grasping for safety, control and approval), I am terrified. At other moments, this nothingness is pure freedom.

I have been playing music and doing some song-writing. I feel inspired to busk in NYC parks and subways, and am facing some fears as I step into that space. I feel called to start sharing my gifts freely and widely–where people gather to listen with open hearts, I will sing and speak.

I’m still inspired by my gifts as an Astrologer because I see the power in revealing your soul purpose and the gift it is to you. I see that through that work I take people to the deep essence of who they are and align you with where your freedom and deep fulfillment live. I’m here to wake people up as I too am on this path of awakening. If you are called to connect with the deepest purpose of your soul, to see yourself and be seen as you never have before, and to discover how to let go of all that holds you back…I want to speak to you. We have great gifts for one another.

What it comes down to is that I just don’t give a shit anymore about the things I used to think mattered. I’m waking up…and in the process, this character I created is dying. I don’t even know the woman who created this website anymore…she is like a friend I used to know. For now, I’m using it because it’s here and serves my purposes of the moment. In the months ahead…who knows? I’m now on a path of infinite surrender. My current prayer: “Thy will be done.” This prayer is bittersweet…so much letting go, and moments of immense grief…and moments of deep love and gratitude. I am letting go and feeling myself soften into that surrender more fully with each day that passes as I align my personal will with divine will.

And in this letting go of who I thought I was and who I think I am…I am opening to discover myself as I would a new love…with pleasurable curiosity and delight at what I find. It is the primordial love affair. As it turns out, I am my soul mate, and I’m meeting me for the first time.

With deepest love for you, Beloved.

Melissa