I’ve lived with my mom for the past 8 years. It started out as something that I needed to do when I was coping with and caring for a boyfriend who had Stage 4 Lymphoma (and thankfully, survived). I was 24 and miserable at my job and knowing in my heart that I’m meant to express myself and serve in really unique ways. I had no idea yet what that would or even could look like. I needed a break from the grind of my life, and moving back home provided that.

This move home was meant to be temporary in my mind because I figured that eventually I would move in with my partner. And after a year of coping with Cancer treatments together, he went into remission and our relationship began to dissolve. We lovingly chose to let each other go.

It was right around that time that I discovered Life Coaching and trained as a coach. Suddenly, I was catapulting myself into a whole new life, oozing with passion for this career choice and taking on a business venture at 25. Suddenly, It became a blessing to be living with my mom because I could afford to pursue this passion.

Fast forward my life another 7 years and I had to get present to the fact that I had become a slave to the vague notion of “someday.” “SOMEDAY, my business will be at this certain (undefined) level, and I’ll be making this certain (undefined) amount of money, and then I can have my own place again.” It has been totally reasonable to tell people that I have lived with my mom in order to pursue my passions when the truth is, I have been completely unaware of the fact that I’ve been living my life as a victim of circumstances and terrified to claim what I REALLY want.

I am the savior I was secretly waiting for.

The truth is that I was really unconscious with my relationship with money until my late 20’s and then I had all of this debt to contend with. I managed to get clear on that and pay that off and build a savings and then I lost a job that was providing a financial safety net and was challenged to REALLY nose dive into this work that is my soul-calling–and use up my savings. There was always a reason NOT to get my own place. And I’m finally getting that life is going to keep “happening to me” and it’s time I take the true driver’s seat and just choose to create what I want.

In August, I committed to myself and then, to my loving mom, to be in my own place by January 1st. As I started looking at apartments and nearly signing a lease for a beautiful, brand new apartment within walking distance of where I’m living now, something inside of me started to feel trapped. It was just months earlier that I had started exploring the idea of moving to NYC and I knew in my heart that simply taking on rent in Madison was a small game for me to play when knowing in my bones I’m ready to follow a different path. And suddenly, I heard myself declaring that I would be moving to NYC in March of 2014.

I’m now being confronted with all of the doubt, fear and overwhelm that come with actively creating a life of my own design. And I’m growing and surrendering. Growing and surrendering. I’m feeling grief welling up within me as I try to wrap my brain around all that I must release in order to embrace this next chapter in my life, and I’m facing many demons telling me that what I want isn’t possible. I find myself on the verge of tears quite often these days.

And I’m doing it anyway.

Something tells me that I’ll look back on this time of my life years from now and smile with gratitude and also with awareness that this move is little compared to the big things I’m really called to do with this life I’ve been given.

For now, I’m just being present to all of the emotions within me and offering myself gentleness. Lots of deep breaths and audible sighs for me these days. As I prepare to visit Brooklyn in a few days to start paving the way, remembering to breathe has been crucial.

Right now, loving myself means letting myself be pulled by the larger vision of my life and taking the scary, challenging steps to actually live it. Like I said, lots of deep breaths, right now…

~Melissa