I’m deeply aware, right now, that the experience of reaching out with a request for help is up there on the list with my most vulnerable, shame-inducing experiences–particularly when it comes to asking people to support me in getting the word out about my work. Just writing these words is causing a tightness in my heart and throat.
My people-pleasing self learned at a young age how to be super self-reliant. It’s one of my superpowers that I can figure out most anything that I set my mind to accomplishing. And yet, it is also one of my biggest downfalls. In part, because I’ve gotten so good at “figuring it all out” by myself that I can be completely unaware of when I actually NEED help and in what ways. I have a tremendously difficult time getting clear on and articulating how I would like to receive support–it’s so scary and challenging for me to claim what I want out loud. Even when someone simply asks, “how can I help?” my mind freezes and I feel all of this pressure not to ask for TOO much. I find myself not even knowing what to say in response to this question.
And it’s exhausting and incredibly limiting. In all of the ways that I’ve learned to go it alone, I can also put a cap on the potential of my life. I’m reminded as I write these words of the African Proverb that is often seen circulating around: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” There are times when we need to go it alone and there are times when we are more powerful when we journey together. This time of MEGA transition in my life is one of those times when it’s not serving me to go it alone, and I am floundering in my capacity to reach out.
Asking for help is messy. There is all of this fear around what people will think (I always make the people who I’m reaching out to SO much more important and powerful than I am in my mind). Questions like, “What do I have to offer them in return?” come up for me. Questions like, “Why aren’t you capable of figuring this out yourself?” come up. Thoughts like “You’re so self-centered” come up. There is fear around asking for help in the “wrong way,” somehow, and not receiving the support that I need. There is a deep down fear of not actually belonging, of not being loved, of no one wanting to help and so I isolate myself. I focus on what I can figure out on my own, and I live an existence smaller than I can even fathom. I rob myself of the love and belonging that I so desire to experience in my life, and so often I feel really, really alone.
I’m teary as I write this because I’m tapping into some core truths that have really needed my attention, and I’m finding myself taking deep breaths and knowing that it is time for me to take some courageous action in my life. It’s time to be raw and real and generous with my humanity. I need help, and no one will ever know unless I ask for what I want to receive.
And so, I’m going to be sending out some emails and making phone calls requesting help, and I’ll be practicing at those things called community, and belonging…and receiving love…and learning what it means to journey farther than I can on my own.