You have to lose all…

A gift texted to me this morning: “Listen to your heart, move according to your heart, whatsoever the stake: A condition of complete simplicity costing not less then everything… To be simple is arduous, because to be simple costs everything that you have. You have to lose all to be simple. That’s why people have chosen to be complex and they have forgotten how to be simple. But only a simple heart throbs with God, hand in hand. Only a simple heart sings with God in deep harmony. To reach to that point you will have to find your heart, your own throb, your own beat.” – Osho

With every loss, I find my heart.

:)Melissa

Grieving

Every painful loss I have ever endured has only been the loss of an illusion.

And it fucking hurts in every cell of my body as I grieve and resist. I get angry at God, like my wants were a perfect plan ripped away, like I’m being punished for something, like a spoiled child screaming, “You never let me have ANYTHING!!!!”

And then, somehow, I surrender. I pick up the pieces and move on. Life goes on without my illusion.

Today, I’m not there yet. I was really attached to this illusion.

No victims, no villains…and no heroes either.

No victims, no villains…and no heroes either.

Whole people living and breathing as whole people–this is the vision I hold in my heart.

Among the most challenging roles for me to give up has been that of hero, saving the world. I now see that where there are heroes, there must also be villains and victims…and those are all just roles we choose to play and project in response to our circumstances that do not empower anyone.

What’s left when we shed these stories of what’s happening “to us” or “by us?” Simply life, as it is, unfolding. A blank slate for us to add whatever meaning we choose.

So I’m not a hero or a victim or a villain.

I’m choosing to be a lover because for me, when I let go of those roles, I’m simply left with a desire to love with my whole being and let my actions arise, naturally from that place.

Nothing to save and a whole lot to love.

:)Melissa

Love is a continual practice of letting go…and letting go…and letting go

As I receive unconditional love and acceptance from my partner on a whole, new level for me, I am being confronted with inner demons that I didn’t fully know were there.

Because relationship is simply a mirror for our own relationship with ourselves, I find that as I experience love flowing in, that love is being matched by an equally powerful self-doubt and in all honesty, a self-loathing that is both painful and surprising. The mirror is being held up and I’m seeing all of the qualities that I didn’t even realize I find unlovable within myself, all of the ways that I reject myself. My ego is squirming this week and looking for cover…big-time. The mask is falling away and I’m coming face-to-face with my imperfection.

There’s a very young voice that comes forth inside of me wondering, “Have I gone too far this time? Have you seen too much? Is this the point when I make the love go away?” It is raw, vulnerable, down-right terrified.

I’ve found myself experiencing deep shame at various points this week, judging myself, feeling tremendously insecure, wondering when the stronger, empowered…get this…more lovable me…will return. You know, the me who “has it all together.” This week I’m being challenged to surrender a deeply ingrained belief about myself, about love–that I have to control your experience of me, that I have to act and operate in a certain way in order to be worthy of your love.

And as I’ve been the snotty, needy, victim-minded, emotional mess…ummm…not the me I wanted my partner to see, I’m having to face this fear head on: What will happen when I’m not playing the part? When I let the wounded little girl come out of the closet? What will happen when I’m not in control?

And well, I’m finding out even as I write.

I see now that the deeper the love, the deeper the surrender that’s required. Love is a continual practice of letting go, and letting go, and letting go.

And the most challenging and beautiful part of this whole process: It’s not my partner’s job to love me. It’s MY job. It’s MY job to heal this old wound and to hold myself gently. Right now, loving myself as I’m facing my “ugly” parts is in writing this post, it’s in creating spaciousness for myself, focusing on what matters to me, and it’s in allowing myself to be seen and believe in the love I’m receiving from my partner. Slowly, and steadily unfurling my petals despite how “unsafe” that feels. And breathing. And breathing.

Real love is no fairytale. It doesn’t just show up and good feelings abound happily ever after. It challenges us, stretches us, grows us…heals us. It’s so much more dimensional than a fairytale. It’s not perfect. It’s real life. It’s an opportunity to see who we REALLY are, and love what we find there…even when we don’t. 😉

All my love,

:)Melissa

New Year’s Reflections

As I reflect back on this past year, it has been a year of great courage for me.

I moved to NYC with little money in my bank account and fortunate to receive the support of great friends. I took on a life far from the cozy one I’d grown accustomed to and with each day, leapt into a new unknown.

I discovered burn-out in my work and had the courage to release patterns and dreams that no longer served me. It was scary and dark…deeply uncomfortable. I’m still letting go as I surrender notions of what it means to be a “success,” to have a purpose, what is meant for my life, what wants to be birthed through me.

It takes great courage to live inside the space of “I don’t know.” I’ve felt small and purposeless at times, a voice in my head constantly chiding “What if I never amount to anything?”–and that might be the most precious gift of this challenging year–there is something much more profound unfolding then my Personal Will can ever create or comprehend…and I don’t have to “amount” to anything to be a gift and receive the gift of my existence. A lesson I continue to learn.

And in the midst of all of that letting go and clearing out, a great love was being born and continues to birth itself with new adventures on the horizon–partnership was perhaps the least expected gift this year, and a most welcome surprise.

And now I face 2015 with continued courage, brand-new dreams, and a continued deepening of my surrender. “Thy will be done.” This will continue to be my prayer as I embark on yet another year of this precious life.