With Every Moment That I Am Present With You…

A little over 3 weeks ago, I woke up and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to do this life thing anymore. I’d gotten so far away from my center and rather than dealing with what there was to deal with in the present, I was doing everything that I could to escape, looking for every semblance of sweetness outside of myself. I’d consumed myself with a vision of a future that did not exist. I overlooked what there was to see in my relationship and suddenly, I was forced to face reality. Poof. He was gone to face the circumstances of his own reality. It felt sharp, and cold, and devastatingly painful, and there was no escape.

And so I found myself actually going to that place I never imagined–and it’s hard to even write it now. I didn’t want to be me, living this life. I wanted desperately for the pain to end. I wasn’t so sure that I could endure anymore…something closely resembling rock bottom.

And I chose to get up. My mom was recovering from surgery in the hospital, the dogs needed to be cared for and the last thing in the world I thought I wanted or needed…I had an in-person Soul Purpose Astrology Session with a client that afternoon. I literally cried up until about 5 min before that session. Something inside of me wouldn’t let me cancel.

Thank God.

It was in that session that I found myself. As I held up the mirror, reflecting her power back to her, I found my power. As I created a space for her to soften into love for all of her many parts, I fell in love with my many parts. I was offering up the gift of my existence, and receiving the gift of existence at the same time. No need to escape. I walked away from that session enlivened by the present, and suddenly the circumstances of my grief had some distance from my heart.

These past few weeks have continued to challenge me, have had me wanting to run away from myself and yet, with each passing day I’m surrendering to the present. In fact, I’m hungry for it. The past and the future only exist in my thoughts. Suffering only exists in my thoughts. Story. Illusion. Unreality.

With every moment that I am present with you, I feel grounded, alive with a growing sense of peace for what is. I actually want to deal with what there is to deal with–I’m in my power and connected with my capacity to not only cope but, even further, to create. To be present with you is to be present with myself.

To be of service, to give my gift, to show up for you, to hear and see you and shine the light on your brilliant beauty has, literally, given me my life back.

I’m teary as I write this. I don’t have any more words, just a heart full of emotion, full with life.

©2015 Melissa Simonson

Waking up

It’s a funny thing to live a life that is sourced by love and to perceive harshness all over the place. I built quite the character who is mighty vigilant at seeking out and creating what she thinks is “not love.”

Even that character is loving me with what she knows–every time I experience “not love” I get to awaken to the awareness that those experiences, too, are loving me, awakening me with every illusion I’ve attached to that falls away. And I’m ready to let that character go, too.

I’m waking up. I’m waking up. I’m waking up. I’m waking up.

Melissa

Til Next Time, Madison

I’m waking up one last morning in Madison, WI before heading back home to Brooklyn, NY later tonight.

Home–such an ephemeral experience for me, right now.

I arrived in Madison 2 weeks ago to discover just 2 days into my time here that life as I knew it in NYC was now forever altered. My relationship and our blossoming plans for a life together lay dead in the ground where moments before they had their own heartbeat. I was devastated, my ego grasping for some illusory semblance of control where there was none. I felt utterly alone and struggling to make sense of it all.

I wake up this morning, two weeks later, still in pain, my mind playing its games and weaving stories that make my heart ache with longing and anger and sadness…and yet something has transformed.

I have been blessed to work with 9 extraordinary women in this time. Women who I have been privileged to support as they blossom into their own truth and power–and in the process they’ve unknowingly realigned me with mine.

I’ve had the opportunity to connect with my best friend for the past 21 years to be reminded of the kind of unconditional love that transcends time and distance, and to witness her on fire with passion and purpose as she continues to expand on her path–such an inspiration to me. And then, there are her amazing kiddos–sleepovers with miss JJ only get better through the years.

And at the heartbeat of this trip, I have been here each day, supporting my mom, caring for her doggies…shoveling snow, of course…and finding myself.

I now pass the torch of care for my mom onto my sister who has also been a godsend in helping me process my grief these past 5 days.

I head back to Brooklyn with a heart that is filled with complex emotions, with visions of a future lost, and new ones emerging. No longer part of a “we” or an “us” and also more excited and empowered to be ME than I’ve felt in a long time.

Just me, finding home in the depths of my own being. It’s not as exciting as finding home in a place or another person, perhaps, and yet, it’s more dimensional…more real, somehow, more spacious and freeing.

With each day, with each losing and letting go, I’m coming home to my own heartbeat and discovering little by little what is truly meant for me.

Til next time, Madison.

:)Melissa

You have to lose all…

A gift texted to me this morning: “Listen to your heart, move according to your heart, whatsoever the stake: A condition of complete simplicity costing not less then everything… To be simple is arduous, because to be simple costs everything that you have. You have to lose all to be simple. That’s why people have chosen to be complex and they have forgotten how to be simple. But only a simple heart throbs with God, hand in hand. Only a simple heart sings with God in deep harmony. To reach to that point you will have to find your heart, your own throb, your own beat.” – Osho

With every loss, I find my heart.

:)Melissa

Love is a continual practice of letting go…and letting go…and letting go

As I receive unconditional love and acceptance from my partner on a whole, new level for me, I am being confronted with inner demons that I didn’t fully know were there.

Because relationship is simply a mirror for our own relationship with ourselves, I find that as I experience love flowing in, that love is being matched by an equally powerful self-doubt and in all honesty, a self-loathing that is both painful and surprising. The mirror is being held up and I’m seeing all of the qualities that I didn’t even realize I find unlovable within myself, all of the ways that I reject myself. My ego is squirming this week and looking for cover…big-time. The mask is falling away and I’m coming face-to-face with my imperfection.

There’s a very young voice that comes forth inside of me wondering, “Have I gone too far this time? Have you seen too much? Is this the point when I make the love go away?” It is raw, vulnerable, down-right terrified.

I’ve found myself experiencing deep shame at various points this week, judging myself, feeling tremendously insecure, wondering when the stronger, empowered…get this…more lovable me…will return. You know, the me who “has it all together.” This week I’m being challenged to surrender a deeply ingrained belief about myself, about love–that I have to control your experience of me, that I have to act and operate in a certain way in order to be worthy of your love.

And as I’ve been the snotty, needy, victim-minded, emotional mess…ummm…not the me I wanted my partner to see, I’m having to face this fear head on: What will happen when I’m not playing the part? When I let the wounded little girl come out of the closet? What will happen when I’m not in control?

And well, I’m finding out even as I write.

I see now that the deeper the love, the deeper the surrender that’s required. Love is a continual practice of letting go, and letting go, and letting go.

And the most challenging and beautiful part of this whole process: It’s not my partner’s job to love me. It’s MY job. It’s MY job to heal this old wound and to hold myself gently. Right now, loving myself as I’m facing my “ugly” parts is in writing this post, it’s in creating spaciousness for myself, focusing on what matters to me, and it’s in allowing myself to be seen and believe in the love I’m receiving from my partner. Slowly, and steadily unfurling my petals despite how “unsafe” that feels. And breathing. And breathing.

Real love is no fairytale. It doesn’t just show up and good feelings abound happily ever after. It challenges us, stretches us, grows us…heals us. It’s so much more dimensional than a fairytale. It’s not perfect. It’s real life. It’s an opportunity to see who we REALLY are, and love what we find there…even when we don’t. 😉

All my love,

:)Melissa