With Every Moment That I Am Present With You…

A little over 3 weeks ago, I woke up and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to do this life thing anymore. I’d gotten so far away from my center and rather than dealing with what there was to deal with in the present, I was doing everything that I could to escape, looking for every semblance of sweetness outside of myself. I’d consumed myself with a vision of a future that did not exist. I overlooked what there was to see in my relationship and suddenly, I was forced to face reality. Poof. He was gone to face the circumstances of his own reality. It felt sharp, and cold, and devastatingly painful, and there was no escape.

And so I found myself actually going to that place I never imagined–and it’s hard to even write it now. I didn’t want to be me, living this life. I wanted desperately for the pain to end. I wasn’t so sure that I could endure anymore…something closely resembling rock bottom.

And I chose to get up. My mom was recovering from surgery in the hospital, the dogs needed to be cared for and the last thing in the world I thought I wanted or needed…I had an in-person Soul Purpose Astrology Session with a client that afternoon. I literally cried up until about 5 min before that session. Something inside of me wouldn’t let me cancel.

Thank God.

It was in that session that I found myself. As I held up the mirror, reflecting her power back to her, I found my power. As I created a space for her to soften into love for all of her many parts, I fell in love with my many parts. I was offering up the gift of my existence, and receiving the gift of existence at the same time. No need to escape. I walked away from that session enlivened by the present, and suddenly the circumstances of my grief had some distance from my heart.

These past few weeks have continued to challenge me, have had me wanting to run away from myself and yet, with each passing day I’m surrendering to the present. In fact, I’m hungry for it. The past and the future only exist in my thoughts. Suffering only exists in my thoughts. Story. Illusion. Unreality.

With every moment that I am present with you, I feel grounded, alive with a growing sense of peace for what is. I actually want to deal with what there is to deal with–I’m in my power and connected with my capacity to not only cope but, even further, to create. To be present with you is to be present with myself.

To be of service, to give my gift, to show up for you, to hear and see you and shine the light on your brilliant beauty has, literally, given me my life back.

I’m teary as I write this. I don’t have any more words, just a heart full of emotion, full with life.

©2015 Melissa Simonson

Til Next Time, Madison

I’m waking up one last morning in Madison, WI before heading back home to Brooklyn, NY later tonight.

Home–such an ephemeral experience for me, right now.

I arrived in Madison 2 weeks ago to discover just 2 days into my time here that life as I knew it in NYC was now forever altered. My relationship and our blossoming plans for a life together lay dead in the ground where moments before they had their own heartbeat. I was devastated, my ego grasping for some illusory semblance of control where there was none. I felt utterly alone and struggling to make sense of it all.

I wake up this morning, two weeks later, still in pain, my mind playing its games and weaving stories that make my heart ache with longing and anger and sadness…and yet something has transformed.

I have been blessed to work with 9 extraordinary women in this time. Women who I have been privileged to support as they blossom into their own truth and power–and in the process they’ve unknowingly realigned me with mine.

I’ve had the opportunity to connect with my best friend for the past 21 years to be reminded of the kind of unconditional love that transcends time and distance, and to witness her on fire with passion and purpose as she continues to expand on her path–such an inspiration to me. And then, there are her amazing kiddos–sleepovers with miss JJ only get better through the years.

And at the heartbeat of this trip, I have been here each day, supporting my mom, caring for her doggies…shoveling snow, of course…and finding myself.

I now pass the torch of care for my mom onto my sister who has also been a godsend in helping me process my grief these past 5 days.

I head back to Brooklyn with a heart that is filled with complex emotions, with visions of a future lost, and new ones emerging. No longer part of a “we” or an “us” and also more excited and empowered to be ME than I’ve felt in a long time.

Just me, finding home in the depths of my own being. It’s not as exciting as finding home in a place or another person, perhaps, and yet, it’s more dimensional…more real, somehow, more spacious and freeing.

With each day, with each losing and letting go, I’m coming home to my own heartbeat and discovering little by little what is truly meant for me.

Til next time, Madison.

:)Melissa

A gift from recent sessions with clients:

I invite you to imagine all of life and the universe as one large body that is constantly ebbing and flowing in a process of maintaining homeostasis, just as our own body is in a constant of ebbing and flowing in an overall state of balance with itself. There is no “good” or “bad” functioning of the body, there is just…function.With every loss and gain of my ego’s desires, I find that I can get so mired in the details of my experience that I see duality everywhere: Fall in love–Yay! Relationship ends or transforms–heart-wrenching grief. Money in–yay! Money out–stress. Feeling strong and healthy–yay! Develop illness–heartbreak, once again.

When I step back from a higher vision and understand all of life operating as one body, suddenly I see that my pain or my pleasure, my having and letting go are all part of a larger process of ebb and flow. Life is living itself. Constant. Ever-changing and yet, always the same.

There is an emptiness in that awareness–my ego loves to attach uncomfortable emotion and create an experience of that emptiness–and yet there is great freedom in embracing how arbitrary and also necessary are the happenings of my life.

My life is in a constant state of balance with itself, and when I surrender to that, I find my center, I find peace.

So, I invite you to join me in the dance, Dearheart. There is an adventure to discover in this surrender.

I exist. With each day, I’m waking up further to the precious gift of that basic truth.

 :)Melissa

Dancing with grief and grace

I find myself in a dance right now between grief and grace.

My heart hurts upon waking and it seems to take the jaws of life at times to pull my attention away from the painful stories in my mind and shift toward my breath and the innocence of the present moment.

I get myself up and moving and at times throughout the day I am again overcome, filled with so many emotions, one after the other, and it feels like I will be tortured by this painful experience for eternity.

And then there is grace: little reminders here and there to bring me back to center, to remind me that I am loved, to remind me of the limitless capacity of my love.

There is grace as it shows up in my work–last night a phone session with a dear soul needing guidance and clarity as she processes the end of a significant relationship, and after an hour of deeply listening to her and calling forth what’s needed, it was as if *I* just had someone spend an hour holding space for me as I processed my own grief, and fears, and questions of “what now?” She walked away clear, connected and grounded in herself and so did I. Through you, my wisdom is called forth in ways that grace us both. There are no words for my immense gratitude for that gift.

I’m not a victim of another or of my circumstances, I am a powerful agent of grace, and as I step into that awareness, I am met by grace around every corner.

And so it is.

Melissa

Grieving

Every painful loss I have ever endured has only been the loss of an illusion.

And it fucking hurts in every cell of my body as I grieve and resist. I get angry at God, like my wants were a perfect plan ripped away, like I’m being punished for something, like a spoiled child screaming, “You never let me have ANYTHING!!!!”

And then, somehow, I surrender. I pick up the pieces and move on. Life goes on without my illusion.

Today, I’m not there yet. I was really attached to this illusion.