Letting My Longing Lead Me…

I find myself, right now, in a space between. There are new visions and dreams emerging and yet, there are emotional doors not yet fully closed, a recent chapter whose pages still call for review. There are longings to emerge, shining from the cave, visions of what lies beyond this current chrysalis, and yet, so much is not yet fully formed, much has yet to reveal itself.

I have gratitude for new awareness born to me over this past month…almost like a remembering of what matters to me, like cold water splashed in my face to WAKE ME UP from a dream. So now, I see what’s been missing in my life: Community. Spaces and activities that unleash my inner artist. A clear, tangible financial plan. There is a deep desire to embrace and be embraced as all of me, to be surrounded by artists who are doing their thing, to have groundedness, a clear sense of purpose, to walk in this city likes it’s a playground for my inner magical child.

What I find uncomfortable about this new awareness is being with “the gap” between my current experience and what I long to create: Loving what is while holding space for what is possible; trusting that the vision will inspire new actions to take at the perfect, right time; having patience with the current state of loneliness. There are moments when it hits me now, square between the eyes how lonely and bored I’ve become. Uggghhh. I literally groaned like that when I arose from bed this morning. And it’s ok. And it’s not. Breathing into this duality, right now, and the fact that it has me squirming to break free.

What I’m tuning into now are the paths that appear effortlessly, and trusting that my longing in itself is a prayer, an invisible thread pulling me toward that which I desire. It’s not that I don’t take action, I just take the action that inspires me, when it inspires me. Right now, there is a lot of breathing and listening: Now? (Nope.) Now? (Not yet, Honey.) How about now? (Breathe, Sweetheart, you’ll know what to do when it’s time.)

There is rich community coming into my life. There is a one-woman-show winking at me and sticking out her tongue from a distant horizon. There is a full in-person Soul Purpose Astrology practice here in NYC flowing in. There is aliveness, peace, connection, nourishment–seeds planted, growing steadily from within.

I find that when I’m being awake and open to the full range of my experience, I taste the bitter and the sweet simultaneously. This moment is no exception.

©2015 Melissa Simonson

Oh, Mercury Retrograde.

Oh Mercury Retrograde.

These words have, at times, been all I can say these past few weeks. Along with, “I surrender.”

The day after this tiny, fast moving planet appeared to be moving backwards on the 21st of January, I was “forced” to face what I had overlooked over the past few months. Illusions evaporated, and I was left with an open space to reinvent my life.

We astrologers often describe Mercury Retrograde as the perfect time to focus on all of the re- words, as in renew, reflect, remember, rediscover, reconsider, revive, etc. It is a time when breakdowns occur in external reality so that we slow down, turn inward, reconnect and realign with what’s true. What is not working, what has not been dealt with or overlooked will rear its head. Where we once felt clear, we now feel fuzzy as to how to proceed, which is perfect. When we surrender to Mercury’s retrograde phases we discover great gifts present in the breakdowns.

This Mercury Retrograde seemed to spin me around, shake me up and spit me out on a whole new life trajectory. And it’s good. I needed to be revived, to wake up to what I was afraid to see. As it stations direct again and begins to continue on its forward journey, I find that I’ve shed so many layers and found clarity in ways that I had no clue I was lacking. There is a sharpness to my awareness and a rediscovery of my courage and resolve, a revival of my commitments.

So, if life has felt like an impossible conundrum of twists, turns and mishaps this past month, I invite you to dig in. What do you now see that was necessary for you to see before proceeding? Where do you now have power, clarity and insight where you didn’t have it before? What have been the gifts hidden behind the breakdowns?

I am loved by every process unfolding in my life, and I’ve come to revere the blessings of Mercury Retrograde, despite how frustrating and rattling they can be.

It’s a good time to experience the power of surrender, y’all.

:)Melissa

You have to lose all…

A gift texted to me this morning: “Listen to your heart, move according to your heart, whatsoever the stake: A condition of complete simplicity costing not less then everything… To be simple is arduous, because to be simple costs everything that you have. You have to lose all to be simple. That’s why people have chosen to be complex and they have forgotten how to be simple. But only a simple heart throbs with God, hand in hand. Only a simple heart sings with God in deep harmony. To reach to that point you will have to find your heart, your own throb, your own beat.” – Osho

With every loss, I find my heart.

:)Melissa

Love is a continual practice of letting go…and letting go…and letting go

As I receive unconditional love and acceptance from my partner on a whole, new level for me, I am being confronted with inner demons that I didn’t fully know were there.

Because relationship is simply a mirror for our own relationship with ourselves, I find that as I experience love flowing in, that love is being matched by an equally powerful self-doubt and in all honesty, a self-loathing that is both painful and surprising. The mirror is being held up and I’m seeing all of the qualities that I didn’t even realize I find unlovable within myself, all of the ways that I reject myself. My ego is squirming this week and looking for cover…big-time. The mask is falling away and I’m coming face-to-face with my imperfection.

There’s a very young voice that comes forth inside of me wondering, “Have I gone too far this time? Have you seen too much? Is this the point when I make the love go away?” It is raw, vulnerable, down-right terrified.

I’ve found myself experiencing deep shame at various points this week, judging myself, feeling tremendously insecure, wondering when the stronger, empowered…get this…more lovable me…will return. You know, the me who “has it all together.” This week I’m being challenged to surrender a deeply ingrained belief about myself, about love–that I have to control your experience of me, that I have to act and operate in a certain way in order to be worthy of your love.

And as I’ve been the snotty, needy, victim-minded, emotional mess…ummm…not the me I wanted my partner to see, I’m having to face this fear head on: What will happen when I’m not playing the part? When I let the wounded little girl come out of the closet? What will happen when I’m not in control?

And well, I’m finding out even as I write.

I see now that the deeper the love, the deeper the surrender that’s required. Love is a continual practice of letting go, and letting go, and letting go.

And the most challenging and beautiful part of this whole process: It’s not my partner’s job to love me. It’s MY job. It’s MY job to heal this old wound and to hold myself gently. Right now, loving myself as I’m facing my “ugly” parts is in writing this post, it’s in creating spaciousness for myself, focusing on what matters to me, and it’s in allowing myself to be seen and believe in the love I’m receiving from my partner. Slowly, and steadily unfurling my petals despite how “unsafe” that feels. And breathing. And breathing.

Real love is no fairytale. It doesn’t just show up and good feelings abound happily ever after. It challenges us, stretches us, grows us…heals us. It’s so much more dimensional than a fairytale. It’s not perfect. It’s real life. It’s an opportunity to see who we REALLY are, and love what we find there…even when we don’t. 😉

All my love,

:)Melissa

New Year’s Reflections

As I reflect back on this past year, it has been a year of great courage for me.

I moved to NYC with little money in my bank account and fortunate to receive the support of great friends. I took on a life far from the cozy one I’d grown accustomed to and with each day, leapt into a new unknown.

I discovered burn-out in my work and had the courage to release patterns and dreams that no longer served me. It was scary and dark…deeply uncomfortable. I’m still letting go as I surrender notions of what it means to be a “success,” to have a purpose, what is meant for my life, what wants to be birthed through me.

It takes great courage to live inside the space of “I don’t know.” I’ve felt small and purposeless at times, a voice in my head constantly chiding “What if I never amount to anything?”–and that might be the most precious gift of this challenging year–there is something much more profound unfolding then my Personal Will can ever create or comprehend…and I don’t have to “amount” to anything to be a gift and receive the gift of my existence. A lesson I continue to learn.

And in the midst of all of that letting go and clearing out, a great love was being born and continues to birth itself with new adventures on the horizon–partnership was perhaps the least expected gift this year, and a most welcome surprise.

And now I face 2015 with continued courage, brand-new dreams, and a continued deepening of my surrender. “Thy will be done.” This will continue to be my prayer as I embark on yet another year of this precious life.