With Every Moment That I Am Present With You…

A little over 3 weeks ago, I woke up and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to do this life thing anymore. I’d gotten so far away from my center and rather than dealing with what there was to deal with in the present, I was doing everything that I could to escape, looking for every semblance of sweetness outside of myself. I’d consumed myself with a vision of a future that did not exist. I overlooked what there was to see in my relationship and suddenly, I was forced to face reality. Poof. He was gone to face the circumstances of his own reality. It felt sharp, and cold, and devastatingly painful, and there was no escape.

And so I found myself actually going to that place I never imagined–and it’s hard to even write it now. I didn’t want to be me, living this life. I wanted desperately for the pain to end. I wasn’t so sure that I could endure anymore…something closely resembling rock bottom.

And I chose to get up. My mom was recovering from surgery in the hospital, the dogs needed to be cared for and the last thing in the world I thought I wanted or needed…I had an in-person Soul Purpose Astrology Session with a client that afternoon. I literally cried up until about 5 min before that session. Something inside of me wouldn’t let me cancel.

Thank God.

It was in that session that I found myself. As I held up the mirror, reflecting her power back to her, I found my power. As I created a space for her to soften into love for all of her many parts, I fell in love with my many parts. I was offering up the gift of my existence, and receiving the gift of existence at the same time. No need to escape. I walked away from that session enlivened by the present, and suddenly the circumstances of my grief had some distance from my heart.

These past few weeks have continued to challenge me, have had me wanting to run away from myself and yet, with each passing day I’m surrendering to the present. In fact, I’m hungry for it. The past and the future only exist in my thoughts. Suffering only exists in my thoughts. Story. Illusion. Unreality.

With every moment that I am present with you, I feel grounded, alive with a growing sense of peace for what is. I actually want to deal with what there is to deal with–I’m in my power and connected with my capacity to not only cope but, even further, to create. To be present with you is to be present with myself.

To be of service, to give my gift, to show up for you, to hear and see you and shine the light on your brilliant beauty has, literally, given me my life back.

I’m teary as I write this. I don’t have any more words, just a heart full of emotion, full with life.

©2015 Melissa Simonson

Oh, Mercury Retrograde.

Oh Mercury Retrograde.

These words have, at times, been all I can say these past few weeks. Along with, “I surrender.”

The day after this tiny, fast moving planet appeared to be moving backwards on the 21st of January, I was “forced” to face what I had overlooked over the past few months. Illusions evaporated, and I was left with an open space to reinvent my life.

We astrologers often describe Mercury Retrograde as the perfect time to focus on all of the re- words, as in renew, reflect, remember, rediscover, reconsider, revive, etc. It is a time when breakdowns occur in external reality so that we slow down, turn inward, reconnect and realign with what’s true. What is not working, what has not been dealt with or overlooked will rear its head. Where we once felt clear, we now feel fuzzy as to how to proceed, which is perfect. When we surrender to Mercury’s retrograde phases we discover great gifts present in the breakdowns.

This Mercury Retrograde seemed to spin me around, shake me up and spit me out on a whole new life trajectory. And it’s good. I needed to be revived, to wake up to what I was afraid to see. As it stations direct again and begins to continue on its forward journey, I find that I’ve shed so many layers and found clarity in ways that I had no clue I was lacking. There is a sharpness to my awareness and a rediscovery of my courage and resolve, a revival of my commitments.

So, if life has felt like an impossible conundrum of twists, turns and mishaps this past month, I invite you to dig in. What do you now see that was necessary for you to see before proceeding? Where do you now have power, clarity and insight where you didn’t have it before? What have been the gifts hidden behind the breakdowns?

I am loved by every process unfolding in my life, and I’ve come to revere the blessings of Mercury Retrograde, despite how frustrating and rattling they can be.

It’s a good time to experience the power of surrender, y’all.

:)Melissa

Til Next Time, Madison

I’m waking up one last morning in Madison, WI before heading back home to Brooklyn, NY later tonight.

Home–such an ephemeral experience for me, right now.

I arrived in Madison 2 weeks ago to discover just 2 days into my time here that life as I knew it in NYC was now forever altered. My relationship and our blossoming plans for a life together lay dead in the ground where moments before they had their own heartbeat. I was devastated, my ego grasping for some illusory semblance of control where there was none. I felt utterly alone and struggling to make sense of it all.

I wake up this morning, two weeks later, still in pain, my mind playing its games and weaving stories that make my heart ache with longing and anger and sadness…and yet something has transformed.

I have been blessed to work with 9 extraordinary women in this time. Women who I have been privileged to support as they blossom into their own truth and power–and in the process they’ve unknowingly realigned me with mine.

I’ve had the opportunity to connect with my best friend for the past 21 years to be reminded of the kind of unconditional love that transcends time and distance, and to witness her on fire with passion and purpose as she continues to expand on her path–such an inspiration to me. And then, there are her amazing kiddos–sleepovers with miss JJ only get better through the years.

And at the heartbeat of this trip, I have been here each day, supporting my mom, caring for her doggies…shoveling snow, of course…and finding myself.

I now pass the torch of care for my mom onto my sister who has also been a godsend in helping me process my grief these past 5 days.

I head back to Brooklyn with a heart that is filled with complex emotions, with visions of a future lost, and new ones emerging. No longer part of a “we” or an “us” and also more excited and empowered to be ME than I’ve felt in a long time.

Just me, finding home in the depths of my own being. It’s not as exciting as finding home in a place or another person, perhaps, and yet, it’s more dimensional…more real, somehow, more spacious and freeing.

With each day, with each losing and letting go, I’m coming home to my own heartbeat and discovering little by little what is truly meant for me.

Til next time, Madison.

:)Melissa

Love Revelation: A Simple, yet RADICAL truth…

My Loves:

I’m going to say something really simple, and you might see it and say, “Well, I already KNOW that.” And I want you to REALLY receive this message, anyway.

There is nothing wrong with you. 
Nothing to fix. 
Nothing to change. 
You have everything you need to have all that you want.
You were born with the perfect balance of strengths and weaknesses to offer up the unique gift of YOU to the world.
You started making a precious difference in the world the moment you were born.

And if you’re struggling to see that, if the voice in your head stills wants to fix you or make you wrong for this thing or that, here’s the good news:

That’s just false gunk that has gotten in the way of your seeing your wholeness, and that gunk can be cleared away.

We as human beings have this tremendous capacity to transform, to come back to the truth of who we are, to come home to knowing ourselves as magnificent and worth cherishing.

If you’ve got stuff in the way that’s keeping you from embodying the knowing that there is truly nothing wrong, (you’re so not alone), send me a message and we’ll open up a conversation to connect you with the beauty of who you really are. Xo

:)Melissa

©2014 Melissa Simonson

Love Revelation: Do you remember what Surrender feels like?

I woke up feeling heavy, on the verge of getting sick, like I could sleep forever. Efforting at my life, not loving my life, feeling lost and alone and in between. I managed to shower and put myself together and get my butt to a cafe. And then this happened: Out of the blue a dear special person in my life, who I’ve not been well-connected to lately texted me (conversation shared with permission) and so worth reading to the end.

Him: Just finished The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. Goes nicely with Jed McKenna.

Me: Ooh! Thank you, Love!

Him: Been reading Jed?

Me: Yes. Stepped away from it briefly amidst my Brooklyn move (I’m there now!) a good reminder to revisit him.

Him: How’s NYC?

Me: It’s very NYC! Hahaha! I’m enjoying learning a new structural language for my life here and am also very tired. Needing to pace myself. Looking for a room to sublet while I rent a room from a friend for the month. Start the Landmark Introduction Leaders Program tomorrow, which I’m excited about–an opportunity to meet some amazing peeps and keep expanding. I’m in the midst of a big uplevel. Lots of stuff moving and shifting!

(Where the magic happens)

Him: Did you start some efforting again, Miss Simonson?

(Some internal resistance to this question)

Me: Hmmmmm…much of this has unfolded with ease. And yes, efforting. I guess I’m not experiencing a clear distinction between efforting and not efforting. I decided that I wanted to do the into leaders program which starts tomorrow, and I definitely had to move my booty to get here to fulfill on that desire. Truly, though, I think I’ve been pretty uplifted in this process. It’s more the daily coping with complete newness and being connected to the internal sense of home amidst perceived chaos. So yes, efforting. 🙂

Him: 🙂 Remember what surrender feels like?

Me: Yes.

Him: Which one do you prefer?

Me: SURRENDER!!!! 🙂

Him: Me too. 🙂 Do you remember your way back?

Me: Maybe not.

Him: You don’t create stuff that looks like what you’re thinking. You create stuff that looks like what you’re feeling.

Me: Mmmm…yes.

Him: So I would look for any places where you’ve placed a higher value on what you’re thinking about in the moment than on how you’re feeling in the moment. I would look for opportunities to say no to things I would have definitely said yes to in the past. I would make my default answer NO, unless it’s a HELL YES. But if it’s a hell yes, that’s pretty obvious.

Me: Yes. Like “making money” and “finding the perfect” apartment.

Him: Yeah, stop thinking about those things if they don’t light you up. Get back to lavish self-care.

Me: Def doing that…my heart says, “beauty please” so that’s what’s been pulling me. 🙂

Him: Good. Be monomaniacal about that.

Me: I love these insights so much. Thank you!

Him: Lose yourself in creating beauty for you. Forget everything else.

Me: Yay! Deep nourishing breath filling my lungs…

Him: That’s truth recognition.

Me: Yes…as are the watery eyes.

Him: If you create from wanting safety, approval, and control, you create a world where you need those things. And they’re all imaginary. I prefer a world where I’m free from wanting those things.

Me: I can feel the distinction. Perfect.

Him: Wanting is the opposite of having. If you don’t want them, you never lose them. You’re perfect. And your existence is the gift. Not your struggle.

Me: Smile of truth recognition.

Him: Just be. No doing required – ever.

Me: You are amazing. Thank you for this precious gift.

Him: Always a pleasure to give you back to you. 🙂

And I’m left feeling opened, softened and deeply loved. I am so blessed.

©2014 Melissa Simonson